Last night, when it was over, I was so pleased with my State of the Union Address, I could hardly focus my attentive-ery span thing to watch the 11 TVs all showing me around my bed in the White House – a shithole address, Deer Dairy, like a Niger-American inner-city slum, compared with Trump Tower – what kind of luxury is it, where you have to shit into a PORSLAIN fucking toilet? Another reason I didn’t want this job: the collapse-ation of my lifestyle.

Part II of Crosswords & Blockchains

DOING A CRYPTIC crossword in (or from) a newspaper nowadays is like wearing bell-bottomed jeans and platform shoes: very few of us have the swagger to transform that amount of dork into retro and pass it off as hipster.

Who, under the age of 40, even picks up a flimsy, dirty newspaper anyway? Online, even the best paper in the world – the English Guardian – struggles to make money; and, if newspapers’ days are numbered, their quaint little word puzzles are dead and buried.

Old tricks become old tricks because they’re the bestly tricks. I’M NOT AN OLD TRICK. I’m young. I’m only 51 or so but the kike-doctor who gave me bony spurts for $100 grand says I’m the fittest 71-year-old in the world IT IS LIKE I AM 51 I am so fit and strong and NOT FAT. Obamba is fat. That kid Melania brings to the White House is fat. And I wasn’t an old trick for Stormy Daniels, she said I was the bestliest ever and she’s had thousands so she knows. But that’s the old trick: stop them from talking about the alleged prostitute I allegedly paid to allegedly pee on me

IF YOU CAN measure Trinidad’s compassion viciously accurately by how it treats its weakest members –the homeless, the helpless, the homos, the stray dogs – you can measure its superficiality similarly by what it chooses to invest with pomp and circumstance.

And this week’s, three-day pappyshow around the burial of former president Max Richards should make anyone with any pride cringe and reach for a Canadian refugee application form.

If we had to shut down Port of Spain for three days to “recognise” Max Richards, we need to put up a statute to Abu Bakr; however you measure it, Abu Bakr had a greater impact on Trinidad than Max Richards.

Or any president before or after him.

Fake News have inventabled a whole new hoax to replace Russia Collusion. They’re even calling it a “girther movement”, trying to make it sound as important as the birther movement I led against Fake President Barack O-Babbon. I am slim! I am just big-boned, because I am so tall and strong and MY HAIR IS REAL O Dear Dairy. It was a fucking doctor and a general in the navy or something who said I wasn’t fat! It wasn’t like some kike-doctor I could pay off t