Last night, when it was over, I was so pleased with my State of the Union Address, I could hardly focus my attentive-ery span thing to watch the 11 TVs all showing me around my bed in the White House – a shithole address, Deer Dairy, like a Niger-American inner-city slum, compared with Trump Tower – what kind of luxury is it, where you have to shit into a PORSLAIN fucking toilet? Another reason I didn’t want this job: the collapse-ation of my lifestyle.

Today’s Number One Film: **Arrival, 9pm HBO2 BEST FILM OF THE DAY. Watch this if you liked Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Ex Machina or Inception. The French Canadian director who made us all sit up and take notice in 2010 with his first feature film, Incendies, and then rocked us back in our chairs in 2013 with Prisoners, and then bowled us right firetrucking over in 2015 with Sicario returned in 2016 to make us do all three in the same film – just much more slowly.It is perhaps not a film for everyone – and people who require an explosion, a car crash or a murder every ten minutes to keep their attention hooked shouldn’t even bother.

Part II of Crosswords & Blockchains

DOING A CRYPTIC crossword in (or from) a newspaper nowadays is like wearing bell-bottomed jeans and platform shoes: very few of us have the swagger to transform that amount of dork into retro and pass it off as hipster.

Who, under the age of 40, even picks up a flimsy, dirty newspaper anyway? Online, even the best paper in the world – the English Guardian – struggles to make money; and, if newspapers’ days are numbered, their quaint little word puzzles are dead and buried.

Old tricks become old tricks because they’re the bestly tricks. I’M NOT AN OLD TRICK. I’m young. I’m only 51 or so but the kike-doctor who gave me bony spurts for $100 grand says I’m the fittest 71-year-old in the world IT IS LIKE I AM 51 I am so fit and strong and NOT FAT. Obamba is fat. That kid Melania brings to the White House is fat. And I wasn’t an old trick for Stormy Daniels, she said I was the bestliest ever and she’s had thousands so she knows. But that’s the old trick: stop them from talking about the alleged prostitute I allegedly paid to allegedly pee on me

Today’s Number One Film: Edit*Black Mass, 9.05am HBO2 BEST FILM OF THE DAY. Watch this if you liked The Departed, Prisoners or Goodfellas. Viewed on the silver screen, upon its general cinematic release, it seemed impossible to imagine anyone denying Johnny Depp the Best Actor Oscar, BAFTA, Golden Globe and every other award for his role as the real life Jimmy “Whitey” Bulger, perhaps Boston’s most infamous son (and the inspiration for the Jack Nicholson character in The Departed)