THE DONALD, whom I really must force myself to refer to respectfully as, “the Jackass-elect”, started this week by stunning the world in a New York Times interview in which he flip-flopped on global warming, the Mexican wall, Crooked Hillary, Obamacare and everything else he said deeply sincerely. What the firetruck, the world said to itself, must the earlier, off-the-record conversation with NYT publisher Arthur Sulzberger Jr have been like?

Luckily for the world, I have it. Like all my other world journalistic scoops, I can certify this is 100 per cent authentic because I made it up myself, the way the Donald makes up 87 per cent of his facts.

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INTO THE second week now and only a handful of people remain as shocked as I am that we’re actually using the word “President” and that jackass’ name joined together, though I still can’t bring myself to even write the words down; and if I’m in the Nile, it’s the one with the blues, brought on by the whites.

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WELL THE AMERICAN DREAM – or at least the 2016 version of it fantasized about by 63 per cent of white males and 53 per cent of white females – has turned into the rest of the world’s nightmare: the planet’s biggest jackass is now headed for the White House. It’s full bigoted-misogynistic-racist speed ahead with the Devil taking the foremost and God help the rest of us; in succinct Caribbean historical terms, the white folks are back in charge of the Great House and they’ll surely whip us all into shape pretty damned soon.

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WE’RE NOW JUST days from the US presidential election and the old joke about Australian foreplay might apply to a new fool – me! Bryce y’self, BC! But, seriously, neither my psyche nor my sphincter could take a Donald Drumpf victory next Tuesday; it might not necessarily portend the end of the actual world, but my own would certainly come crashing down. Read more