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In case you firetrucking care!
HE CAME to us in an unusual way, via 15 years of imprisonment, near-starvation and physical abuse, and 45 minutes on my wife’s bicycle, her right hand holding the handlebars, her left cradling his head, with his emaciated body stretching along her forearm to her elbow.
A longhaired, short-breed dog with fur that had once been white but was now the colour of the mud in the canefields, through which he’d dragged himself, and the six-foot-long, heavy iron chain attached to the tight, rough rope around his neck for days, if not weeks, after his escape. He could barely take the two or three steps forward into the small country lane along which my wife was cycling that allowed her to notice him.
He really didn’t need the extra misfortune but he was already nearly-blind in his left eye; most of it looked like a marble.
She was able to make the difficult, one-handed ride back through the rain to home only because he settled down completely on her forearm, making no struggle at all.Read more
EVEN FOR people like me, who’d happily pay to do their jobs, the weight of existence itself can get a body down. Days like those, I wonder if I’d be happier if I were someone else. Here is the list I considered on Wednesday, when I couldn’t bear to think about the rough beast with the fat body and the head of a dunce, whose hour had come round at last one year before, when it slouched towards Washington to be born.
Can make Parliamentary majorities disappear with the snap of an election.
Can run through wheat fields if no one in authority is looking.Read more
ALMOST A YEAR after it happened, I still can’t quite bring myself to believe the Americans actually elected the Jackass. It’s not so much that I can’t accept that people would so cavalierly dismiss President Obama’s devastatingly apt warning – that a man who can’t be trusted with a Twitter account shouldn’t have the firetrucking nuclear attack codes – although, of course, there is that.
No, the hard part of accepting that this idiot-savant-without-the-savant is in the Oval Office is that, every time I turn on the TV, he is on it, painstakingly underlining his palpable unsuitability for the post. (Come in, Keith Smith, your alliteration acolyte is in action.)Read more
OF COURSE, the genuine day-to-day horror of the Jackass in the White House turns Halloween, John Carpenter’s 1970s benchmark splatter film about the child-murderer, Michael Myers, into a sidesplitting comedy. Where Donald Pleasance and Jamie Lee Curtis only had to outwit and outrun a knife-wielding maniac for 91 minutes, the whole world has to endure this Twitter-wielding Donald Unpleasant for the next three years; where is a heart attack when you need one?
My own worst nightmare is that someone will assassinate Donald J-for-Jackass Trump and catapult a moron who doesn’t belong in the company of his immediate predecessor into the group that, if America got it right, would have their heads on Mount Rushmore: John F Kennedy, Martin Luther King, Malcolm X and Bobby Kennedy, men assassinated for their bravery by cowards.Read more