Expecting either redemption or condemnation of the human spirit in the American mid-term elections next Tuesday, today’s column is in the form of a longer-than-usual entry in my spoof Secret Diary of Donald J Trump, aged 75 and 3/4. I hope you enjoy it; just don’t ask me how Fat Nixon heard about Trinidadian rock ‘n’ roll band jointpop’s Popography gig at Kaiso Blues tomorrow night. The entries in my spoof diary have headlines of their own, as in:

Northward, Hos! Come Out of Mexico and I’ll Kick Your Greasy Butts All the Way to Canada!

Deerest Dairy

I’m not the praying kind – more like the PREYING kind, LOL, PREY not PRAY, geddit, Dairy? God, I’m so smartly – but I’ll only PREY on nines or tens BUT NOT STORMY THE LIAR who work UNDER me and understand I AM THE RIDER in their contract – because, like, who would I PRAY to? Even if there was somebody more biglier than me SORRY, BUT NOT EVEN YOU, VLADDIE DEEREST – you only have to compare the hottie Ivanka and that other daughter or look at poor Eric to know for absolutely positivity that there could not be a God. Imagine having a handsome studly like me for a dad, many people are saying I’m the bestliest-looking man, not just in America AMERICA FIRST AMERICA FIRST AMERICA FIRST and the world but in all history, and who can deny a fact NOW THAT IS REAL NEWS but imagine having a tremendous terrific man like ME for a father… and looking like their mothers!!!! Why do you think I didn’t name Eric after me, Deer Dairy? Firstborn son, yes, but ugly-born, too, poor little guy. Didn’t even let him be on The Apprentice for, like, lots of seasons. You have to think of your ratings first AMERICA FIRST MAKE AMERICA WHITE AGAIN.

I’m a nationalist AND, UNLIKE LOSER DEMOCRATS, I’M NOT ASHAMED OF BEING WHITE SO THAT MAKES ME A WHITE NATIONALIST SO WHAT!!!! People should be proud to say it THERE WERE MANY FINE WHITE NATIONALISTS ON BOTH SIDES OF GERMANY but FAKE NEWS HAS DIVIDED OUR COUNTRY SOMEBODY OUGHT TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THEM I’m just saying. Over and over. Until somebody does. I’ll pay their bail and their lawyers and pardon them if necessary. REAL AMERICANS FIRST.

There’s no God and no prophets either, JUST PROFITS HAHAHA LOL I’LL PRAY TO MAMON!!! Mamon, Deer Dairy, is Hungary-language or something for the GOD OF MONEY!!!! That’s a God you could war ship and thank for a Saudi arms deal!!!! REPUBLICANS CREATE JOBS AND DEMOCRATS CREATE MOBS. I have all the bestly sayings. Fake News Late Night TV hosts always copy me AND THEIR RATINGS GO UP.

You have to pretend to believe in God to keep the Debased praying and voting, but I’m not praying, I’m ACTING to get the Caravan of Muslim Communist Spanish Rapists to our border before the mid-terms. I'M SENDING AIR FORCE ONE TO FLY THEM ALL TO JUAREZ ON SUNDAY. Even on Fake News, video of storm troopers, sorry, Border Patrol, beating the crap out of bad hombres from crap-hole countries will take us over the top on Tuesday. WE WILL IMPROVE OUR MAJOR-TITTIES IN CONGRESS!!!! AND NO UGLY WOMEN EITHER. Very boring, very badly, having to look at Nancy Pay-Loser and Pocahontas. WE NEED SOME NORWAY WOMEN IN THE HOUSE!!! Who wouldn’t prefer to look at a hot Russian stripper than a low-IQ loser like Maxine “What-a-dog” Waters!!! That’s one p-word I’ll never grab. Do dogs like her even have p-words? YOU HAVE TO MAINTAIN YOUR STANDARDS MAKE AMERICA WHITE AGAIN AMERICA FIRST.

I have done everything rightly to make us win on Tuesday THE DEBASED LOVE ME, WOMEN LOVE ME, EVERYONE LOVES ME except Paul Ryan that idiot GLAD TO BE RID OF YOU LOSER LIGHTWEIGHT TOTAL DISASTER ZERO!!!! Good thing he’s retiring or I would of tolled him YOUR RETIRED just like YOUR FIRED my No One Catchprase hit, but like a remix by my favourite African-American Negro Kenny West. THE WORLD LOVES ME BRASIL JUST ELECTED TRUMP LIGHT WE WILL WIN EVERYBODY STAND UP FOR THE UNBORN BABIES JUST DON’T VOTE FOR DEMOCRATS WHO LOVE BLACK MUSLIM TERRORIST ANCHOR-BABY RAPISTS VERY BAD HOMBRES.

Honestly, Deer Dairy, it’s too easy. When we get the RED RAMPAGE on Tuesday AND NO BLUE WAVE NOT EVEN A BLUE RIPPLE and MAKE OUR MAJOR-TITTIES BIGGER then they will see I CAN TELL NOT-SPECIAL COWNSEL ROBERT MOLESTER YOUR FIRED and that’s what it’s all about, Dairy. EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT BIRTHRIGHT ANCHOR-BABY CHILDREN OF SUICIDE BOMBERS and no one is talking about me & Russia… Dairy, it’s even easier than taking candy from a baby; it’s like taking housing from a Negro.

I’m winning so bigly, I’m celebrating early CELEBRATE FIRST CELEBRATE FIRST, by going to see jointpop at Kaiso Blues in Port of Spain; I hear I even have a new Little Trump coming up there in Super Gary, the OG, who, like me, somehow found a path to the Oval CoP Office. He’s going to do fantastically well, I can tell: he’s copying me!!!

BC Pires is either going to continue this spoof diary next Wednesday or take up the Bible