The Book of Kenrick Part XXIII

In 2011, God the Uncle – my imaginary Uncle Godfrey –called me to sum up the Bible in the voice of Kenrick, the kind of tess who goes backstage at the Tobago Jazz Experience to get David Rudder’s autograph and borrows a pen from Farmer Nappy and a piece of paper from Benjai.

Last day, Joseph, who had become Pharaoh’s right hand corn man, had tricked the brothers who sold him into slavery to ransom their brother Simeon with their youngest brother, Benjamin, and had thrown big fete in Egypt for his little brother. Their father, Jacob, had been reluctant to use Benjamin to bail out Simeon, fearing loss of yet another son. (Daughters don’t matter in the Old Testatment, except for begetting.)

The Twenty-Third Bit of the First Book of BC, called Ransom

The Book of Dysfunction, called Family

(A Summation of Genesis Chapters 44 & 45)

And Joseph command his steward to fill up his brothers’ sacks with food, and put back they money, but to put Joseph own silver cup in Benjamin sack and to send them away, and their asses. But, watch wh’appen, before them could reach Marabella from St Joseph Village-self, Joseph send out the steward to accuse them of thiefing his silver cup whereby he does drink and divine. (We did done know Joseph was a seer-man, from how he did interpret Pharaoh skinny cattle and fat corn dream and thing.)

And the brothers say, “Last time, ent it we bring back the money you had put in we sack? So we ent go thief! Eef you find the cup, kill the dorg who thief it, and the rest o’ we will work for you!” And Joseph steward say. “Orright, then”, which make him kind of a Bajan. And then he pretend to find the cup in Benjamin’ sack, where he-self did put it.

Well see thing now. Judah and the brothers rent they clothes and sell out they pride and beg Joseph to give them a ease, becaw is one cup but them say must be four cup, becaw now all man have to rest in Egypt.

And Joseph say, “Not a firetruck of that – well, he did really say, “God Forbid I should do so” – I will take as servant the man who had the cup, and the rest o’ all you could firetruck away”. (Well, he did really say they could, “get you up in peace unto your father”.) But Judah tell Joseph that Benjamin was the only child left back from his mother, becaw he next brother – which was Joseph self – did get torn in pieces by non-existent Middle Eastern lions and, eef he, Judah, only go back in Canaan without Benjamin, his ass is grass and his father is the lawnmower. And he beg Joseph to keep him and send home Benjamin, before they father get grey hairs and dead; like ancient Hebrew had the same attitude to ageing as modern Hollywood.

And Joseph feel a how and confess to his brothers that was really he. And them get jijjery becaw them fearing backlash from the worthless brother they sell out who turn big shot in Egypt. But Joseph tell them not to dig nothing, becaw it wasn’t them who send him Egypt, was God whey send him to Egypt, to hold down a corn-man position, so, two years down the line, he could help the family out when the Canaan famine reach. (Joseph come like Donald Trump: anything happen to him, whatever it is, he figure must be the best thing, whether is marry a young beauty queen or run for Presidential Apprentice.) Is so Joseph persuade he-self that his brothers’ treachery was really God’s courtesy. So Joseph, who get sell into slavery, and who get imprison for a jockey shorts, must be was the fust man to say, “God works in strange ways, his wonders to perform”; becaw, as man, God coulda just choose not to lash Canaan with famine and done the talk, the selling out and the jail.

And Joseph tell his brothers to go and fetch they father and the whole family and bring them come live in Egypt, becaw it had five more years of famine to run, according to Pharaoh dream. So he bust one setta kiss on his brethren and tell them to go fast and tell Jacob, they father, that Joseph was a big gangsta in Egypt and them would eat a food, and don’t bother to bring all they old thing, just left it in Canaan to rot, like a old Trinidad Cabinet.

And Joseph fix them up with plenty wagon, to bring back the whole family, tanty and nennen and all, even that one-tooth old fella who did just stay in the back room watching infomercial and talking ‘bout World War II. And he give each man changes of raiment, must be to carry they myrrh, but he give Benjamin 300 piece of silver and five change of raiment. And he send ten ass laden with the best Egyptian thing, and 20 she-ass with pastelles and roti and even some ‘gouti and ‘guana meat.

And Joseph brothers went and tell Jacob that Joseph ent dead, but is governor in Egypt and Jacob faint away, becaw he ent believe them. But when they show him all the wagon and she-ass and them, he catch he-self. It have nothing like material wealth to revive a Middle Easterner; them Intensive Care Unit is bank vault.

And Jacob say, “Yes, let me fall een there in Egypt and see Joseph before I die, yeah, oui”.

BC Pires is interpreting the Bible just like Joseph interpreted dreams but it might turn out to be an eternal nightmare if there really is an Old Testament God