WHENEVER the world gets too ridiculous to take seriously, like when the 2022 Russian version of Hitler tries to turn today’s Ukraine into Poland 1939, I cheer myself up by printing a few letters from the editor, an idea stolen from the 70s & 80s American National Lampoon satirical magazine. (Check out A Futile and Stupid Gesture, the Netflix film about NatLamp’s prime mover, Doug Kenney.) As always, I certify these letters are 100 per cent authentic because I made them up myself.

THE ALLEGED child-rapist formerly known as Prince, whose name will never desecrate this space, this week paid one of his accusers at least £10m to avoid ruining the celebration of his mummy’s 70th anniversary as queen of England, Scotland and Wales. (Via a separate and particularly pungent piece of bullshit called Brexit, the woman entitled to be called Her Majesty despite the allegedly obviously despicable nature of her favourite son, has already almost certainly lost that portion of her United Kingdom formerly known as “Northern Ireland,” though it may take ages for “Leave” voters to understand what they really did.)

He posed as if he wanted his day in court to supposedly clear his supposedly good name but he – or someone else on his behalf – coughed up millions to avoid putting him on the witness stand, this alleged vile molester of defenceless young girls, groomed for sexual abuse by other rich degenerates (one of whom is dead, praise God, his life taken either by his own hand or at the order of another very rich and powerful rat who did not want to lose the job he then held, because it was his own best hope of staying out of prison himself).

Con apologias a Jonathan Swift y su propio Modest Proposal

Almost 300 years ago, Jonathan Swift published A Modest Proposal for Providing for Children of Poor People from Being a Burden to Their Parents or Country and for Making Them Beneficial to the Publick. Swift, recognising Catholic Ireland in 1729 faced a potato famine causing hundreds of thousands of deaths while an equal number of babies were being born, proposed (modestly) that Irish starvation and overpopulation might easily cancel one another out if, instead of trying to feed hungry children, people simply started eating them.

It was exceedingly difficult to tell the difference between National Carnival Commission Chairman Winston “Gypsy” Peters’ media conference launching this weekend’s “Taste of Carnival” and that video of the British Airways jet aborting its landing in disastrously high winds at Heathrow Airport; except the jet pilot probably managed to stick a better landing than Gypsy.