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​Let It Be, Letters BC

WHENEVER the world gets too ridiculous to take seriously, like when the 2022 Russian version of Hitler tries to turn today’s Ukraine into Poland 1939, I cheer myself up by printing a few letters from the editor, an idea stolen from the 70s & 80s American National Lampoon satirical magazine. (Check out A Futile and Stupid Gesture, the Netflix film about NatLamp’s prime mover, Doug Kenney.) As always, I certify these letters are 100 per cent authentic because I made them up myself.

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Catching Your Royal Arse

THE ALLEGED child-rapist formerly known as Prince, whose name will never desecrate this space, this week paid one of his accusers at least £10m to avoid ruining the celebration of his mummy’s 70th anniversary as queen of England, Scotland and Wales. (Via a separate and particularly pungent piece of bullshit called Brexit, the woman entitled to be called Her Majesty despite the allegedly obviously despicable nature of her favourite son, has already almost certainly lost that portion of her United Kingdom formerly known as “Northern Ireland,” though it may take ages for “Leave” voters to understand what they really did.)

He posed as if he wanted his day in court to supposedly clear his supposedly good name but he – or someone else on his behalf – coughed up millions to avoid putting him on the witness stand, this alleged vile molester of defenceless young girls, groomed for sexual abuse by other rich degenerates (one of whom is dead, praise God, his life taken either by his own hand or at the order of another very rich and powerful rat who did not want to lose the job he then held, because it was his own best hope of staying out of prison himself).

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Una Propuesta Modesta

Con apologias a Jonathan Swift y su propio Modest Proposal

Almost 300 years ago, Jonathan Swift published A Modest Proposal for Providing for Children of Poor People from Being a Burden to Their Parents or Country and for Making Them Beneficial to the Publick. Swift, recognising Catholic Ireland in 1729 faced a potato famine causing hundreds of thousands of deaths while an equal number of babies were being born, proposed (modestly) that Irish starvation and overpopulation might easily cancel one another out if, instead of trying to feed hungry children, people simply started eating them.
In one of very many unforgettable paragraphs, Swift was “..assured that a young healthy child well-nursed is, at a year old, a most delicious nourishing and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked or boiled: and.. will equally serve in a fricassee or ragout.” Swift argued 120K children “may be reserved for breed, whereof only one-fourth be males, which is more than we allow to sheep or swine” since these children “are seldom the fruits of marriage.” The remainder of poor Irish children, he suggested, could “be offered in sale to the persons of quality and fortune.. advising the mother to let them suck plentifully in the last month, so as to render them plump and fat for a good table.”
So, given our own twin challenges of 1. far too many hungry Venezuelans entering Trinidad and Tobago to the extreme annoyance of many radio “presenters” (who are themselves entirely unpresentable, and whose stock in trade is thinly veiled hatred); and 2. the Coast Guard being seemingly unable to stop more rickety boats bringing even more collapsible Venes, whom we regard the way the English in 1729 regarded Irish children who were “seldom the fruits of marriage,” I make my own Modest Proposal.
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A Distaste of Carnival

It was exceedingly difficult to tell the difference between National Carnival Commission Chairman Winston “Gypsy” Peters’ media conference launching this weekend’s “Taste of Carnival” and that video of the British Airways jet aborting its landing in disastrously high winds at Heathrow Airport; except the jet pilot probably managed to stick a better landing than Gypsy.

A Taste of Carnival, for the uninformed (which, on the day, included Chairman Gypsy, who wasn’t sure whether the budget for the event he was launching was $25m, $30m or somewhere in-between) is not going to be what Gypsy called “a normal Carnival” but what Prime Minister Keith Rowley labelled “a Carnival microcosmic mosaic with a difference.”
Whatever the firetruck that is.
The main difference would seem to be that Carnival generates a huge amount of rubbish and a Taste of it is itself likely to be a small pile of rubbish.
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