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TGIF columns are in order by date from the most recent.

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Potshots from the POTUS

Hate Sundays. Not many excellent TV news shows with clips of me on every channel. Makes me sadly but I cheer myself up with thoughts of my family. Ivanka in a thong! Yessss! But also so proud to see Don Jnr over there in Shithole Paki-Land or whatever, selling apartments to curry-mouths who will pay millions to pretend to be white. Mahatma Indira or whatever should be so lucky to have dinner with Don Jnr,

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Reading, 'Riting & AR-15s

Don’t like to blow my own shoehorn but how luckily America was I came along! Never thought I would admit, even in the deep secretion of my own dairy, that Babbon Obama did something goodly but he did make me mad enough to fire him. It’s a crap office, not even one gold chair, no Ovaltine at all but I STILL TOOK IT from him! Choke on that, Niger-Americans! Won’t stand for our grate anthem, I WILL MOW YOU DOWN LIKE A LAWN! And put a Negro jockey on it!

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The Secret Diary of Donald J Trump, aged 71 and 3/4

SINCE LAST NOVEMBER, to avoid despair at the thought of the jackass currently braying in the Oval Office, I’ve been writing, intermittently, a spoof Donald Trump diary (as readers of my website, know). It cheers up people, I’m told, but I really write it for myself: if I couldn’t mock him at will, I’d have to write my will and shoot myself.

My parody uses, as a springboard, the late Sue Townsend’s hilarious, immaculately-written The Secret Diary of Adrian Mole aged 13 and ¾ but, beyond title-inspiration, there is little similarity between the diaries, largely because the only similarity between the fictional Adrian Mole, the hapless-but-lovable teenager, and the r

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Guns Don't Kill, Immigrants Do

Feeling very sadly, Deerest Dairy, because so many kids got shot dead in Florida but also feeling very madly, Dairy, because I TOLED THEM IT WOULD HAPPEN. The shooter was a Dreamer but it was a NITEMARE for the many fine children! I don’t mind if Niger-Americans shoot one another, that helps keep down the prison population anyways. But these were decent kids! This is what happens when you don’t elect my candidates like Roy “Molester” Moore and when DEMOCRAT LOSERS DO NOT APPLAUD MY STATE OF THE UNION SPEECH!

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Paula-Mae is Head (of State)

NOT TO RUB you the wrong way, Madame President-Elect, but I was myself tremendously upset by the Guardian headline over your interview last month, “I’m not a lesbian”, and not because I thought it went too far, but because I didn’t feel it, or you, or we, as a country, went far enough: how I wish, Madame President-Elect, you were and remained openly lesbian. Read more

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