BC’s Fantasy Football Nightmares


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GW34: For Kane Again

The Trinidadian singer turned Cabinet Minister, Gypsy, early in his career, had a huge hit with his song, “For Cane”, a calypso of the double-entendre variety. The luckless star of the tune was a man whose wife had the habit of disappearing on sugarcane-hunting expeditions with men he didn’t know. “Monday,” the chorus went, “she went for-cane/ Tuesday she went back again/ She must be gone for-cane with some man again”.

Last week, when he didn’t have a game, I rolled the die on transferring out Harry Kane and bringing in Jamie Vardy. It made sense, I told myself (and didn’t know better than to listen to myself, even after all these years and game-weeks) because the old Harry was injured and might even miss the EFL Cup game on the weekend. If he was fit for the final, I reckoned, I’d bring him back in a straight transfer.

The plan was good, the thinking behind it was good, but it was backed up by arithmetic, which is like having a water-tank backed up with a hole in its bottom. When it came to bringing Kane back in this week, I found I had to take a four-point hit to be able to afford him.

Last week, I went for Kane.

This week, it looks like I’m going for Kane again.

And may be just as screwed as last week, when my captain, Jamie Vardy, brought me four points.

If I’d captained his teammate, Kilechi Ihenacho, I’d have had 24. Even Mo Salah would have brought me 18.

But at least the defender I brought in with Kane, Timothy Castagne, returned nine points, so I gained five on my four-point hit.

And there’s a timely example of my arithmetic: it was actually an eight-point hit!

It’s thinking — and calculating — like this that usually has my team at at the bottom of every mini-league I’m in, and in the bottom half of the bottom million globally.

But, with 73 points — 20 of them from Chris Wood — BC FC actually held on to the number one spot in our family & friends mini-league and the number two slot in the far more knowledgeable neighbourhood league.

In public competitions, BC FC also moved up a bit, rising to 234 (from 292) in Barbados, 29,726 (from 36,780) in the Chelsea league and to 507,987 (from 633,942) globally.

On Monday night, after Jamie V blanked, lying in bed, I thought, “I better get Kane back in before his price rises” (not realising I’d already been sabotaged by my arithmetic the week before). To my surprise (ie, because of my arithmetic) I could not afford to get him back without selling someone.

So, with the clarity of thought that comes with exhaustion just before you fall asleep, I had an epiphany: Ruben Dias is likely to suffer from Pep Roulette, so why not sell him, bring in Vladimir Coufal, who’s been playing so well, and get Kane back in.

I did it with a speed that I admired myself. No nonsense. Just do it. Nike would have made me their poster moron.

The next morning, I realised Vardy was not so much worse than Kane that I should pay four points to be rid of him.

But at least I’m making a different mistake this week by virtue of the fact that it is now impossible for me to captain Jamie Vardy.

My next advice column/eulogy/apology for BC FC will appear around the GW35 deadline