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The Secret Diary of Donald J Trump, aged 71 ¾

Ratings Season = Ranting Season!

23 October 2018

Deerest Dairy

Sometimes, I’m so smart, I make myself seem stoopid! How else to explain me worrying about the mid-terms? For months I was, like, mers-me-rised or something – the spell-check says Merseyside is a word so, for months, I was, like, Merseyside about losing the House in November and then it hit me: elections are just the politics equivalent of ratings, the Nielsens of Congress, and I’M THE BEST GETTER OF RATINGS THE LIKES OF WHICH NOT EVEN I HAVE NEVER SEEN!!! When Celebrity Apprentice was in a slump, no not a slump I NEVER HAD A SLUMP WHAT YOU THINK ARNIE SCHWARZ-A-BLACK-FOLKS COULD REPLACE ME? LOOK WHO GOT TERMINATED! But when Celebrity Apprentice had a slight dip in its magnificent numbers the bestly numbers, all ones and strings of zeroes behind it, like me and this shit Republican party, and the network bosses were saying we need more A-List celebs I said, NO WE NEED MORE TRAINWRECK CELEBS. People rather watch Gary Bussey crash and burn than Mother Theresa cure Niger-Indians in shithole Calcutta with violins. Better to have beatings than bleatings. So now I’m giving them THINGS TO GET ANGRY AND SCARED ABOUT. By the end of the week, when I’m done tweeting on the shitter, every white person between New York City and Los Angeles is going to think there’s a caravan of Spanish-speaking Muslims running to America to behead their daughters. It doesn’t matter if Amoroso is a moron or that there’s no voter frawed! You just have to make it exciting and YOUR RATINGS GO UP!!!!! We’re going to win so bigly, they will have to give me four terms. Think I’ll tell them I’m going to give them a tax cut plus $5K a month for every child they can bring into the voting booth; only trouble: how to make sure only REAL AMERICANS get the cash. Something about blue eyes, maybe?

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