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The Secret Diary of Donald J Trump, aged 71 ¾

Noble Piece Prize for Me

11 June 2018

Deerest Dairy

The day I’ve been waiting for with worms in my mouth – baited breath – has arrived at last after all this time finally and how goodly it is: soon I will sit down with Little Kim Ping Pong and DO A DEAL FOR A NEW TRUMP TOWER in Poon Tang or whatever it is they call the North Korn-Hole-ean New York. I’m going to take one look at that little yellow nip and he will quake in his boots. They’re all afraid of me. All those European wah-wah-crybaby leaders want to make me take part in a group without Vladdie. Fuck ‘em, I’ll take my funding and go home and I’ll make a new Group of 8 with me at the head and my best international buddies, Vladdie the Impaler (who always brings his A-game and his vaseline), President Gee Whiz of Gina, Rodrigo “Dirty Me Harry” that spic who knows how to treat a problem – you shoot it in the head! – he’s done to his media what I would like to do to Fake News – the Tough Guy Sissy in Egypt and the Sultan Erdogan in Turkey. WE’LL CALL IT THE GROUP OF EIGHT REAL MEN. We can bring back Bashir and Robert Mugage to make up numbers. No, not Mugabe, don't want no Niger-Amercians and no women, except in G-strings and thigh-high stilettos. I’ll rub Vladdie down while he watches them, he likes that, makes him ready to treat me goodly, no Viagra even. I’ll make Little Rocket Man give up every nuke by letting them build a Trump Tower wherever they have a missile now. I’LL BE THE WORLD’S FIRST PEACE PROFITEER! And then they’ll give me the Noble Prize for Peace and Babbon Obama will kill himself, he’ll be so jealous BUT I WILL DESERVE MINE. Many people are saying I should get the Noble Prize for Literature, too, because AIN’T THAT THE ART OF THE DEAL IF I BRING PIECE AND PROSPERITY TO MY NEW HOTELS IN NORTH KORN-HOLE-A? Oh, I can hardly wait to start tweeting my acceptance speech.

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