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The Secret Diary of Donald J Trump, aged 71 ¾

Worstly Crisis Ever

2 May 2018

Deerest Dairy

What a catastrophy! That word really should be dog-as-trophy, if the American language was more sensibly; I have the beastliest ideas for words cuz who doesn’t like dogs more than cats so the dogs should get the word, not cats who don't even like you, NOT THAT I DON’T LIKE PUSSY! I love it, I GRAB IT ALL THE TIME!!! There is NO COLLUSION IT IS A HOXE and there is no SAME GENDER ATTRACTION TO VLADDIE PUT-IT-IN! A real man, confidentable in his masculinishness, can admire the bare chest of another man! Fake News ruining everything. I made a half-hour call to Fox Loves Me News that many people said was the best phone call ever made but do you think they reported it proper? No, just played the bad bits over-and-over to make me look not so grate but I AM GRATE AND I WILL MAKE NIGER-AMERICANS SLAVES AGAIN. Got that Uncle Kanye in my cabin all ready. But a terrible time for our demockracy, Deerest Dairy, has come around, its slouch-on-the-couch hour at last or something, to make me look badly! IT’S A DEEP STAIT CONSPIRACY!!! Many people are saying I should get the Nobel Prize for putting that little yellow Rocket Man in his place, showing how willing I was to bomb their yellow Niger-Korn-Hole-E-An asses, made him crawl to the peace talks like a rat I AM THE BESTLIEST but will Fake News cover that? No, no, they have to go to that crazy kike who I used to make write painkiller scrips for, for all my models that I wanted to Bill Coz, and that quack let them know I’m using baldness drugs. I AM NOT BALD!!! IT IS NOT A TWO-PIECE!!!! THAT IS MY HARE!!! And the drugs DO NOT affect my mentalism power. My brane is working as goodly as it always whatever. The Beatles. Something about hair like the Beatles. I HAVE THE BEST BRANE. I wonder if Stormy heard about my losing my hare, maybe that’s why she dumped me. I DUMPED HER!!! NO ONE DUMPS ME!!! In fact, I never met her. Rough at the top, Deer Dairy, and lonelee, too.

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