The Secret Diary of Donald J Trump, aged 71 ¾
Potshots from the POTUS
Hate Sundays. Not many excellent TV news shows with clips of me on every channel. Makes me sadly but I cheer myself up with thoughts of my family. Ivanka in a thong! Yessss! But also so proud to see Don Jnr over there in Shithole Paki-Land or whatever, selling apartments to curry-mouths who will pay millions to pretend to be white. Mahatma Indira or whatever should be so lucky to have dinner with Don Jnr, just for buying a million-dollar apartment! He’s going to grow up just like his dare old dad! Lucky boy. HE WILL NEVER BE AS GOOD AS ME. No one is. Or ever was. Who else would have genus ideas like what I just toss out every day on Twitter, PERLS OF WISDOM before the swines. People actually laughed, Deerest Dairy, at my genus suggestion to give guns to teachers! Even the teachers were like, “Oh, boo-hoo, we don’t want to shoot the children!” But I have a plan I can’t hardly wait to tweet out there: BONUSES FOR BULLETS! Every teacher who shoots a shooter in school will get A MONTH’S SALARY! I’ll even offer to pay it to them myself, but I want to brand it as a Trump thing, not an Oval Orifice thing because Trump will last forever but I don’t know how much longer I can put up with people not recognising my brillyance.