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The Secret Diary of Donald J Trump, aged 71 ¾

Me & Me against the World

8th January 2018. Dear Dairy, I, Donald “J for Jenius” Trump, have made a New Yare’s Resolution to Make Myself Great Again and the first step to that is this new, like, very formalish approach to dairy-writing. Also, if people are going to buy that loser Wolff-Pack-of-Crap’s stupid book, many people are saying they’re going to line up to buy this dairy when it’s published as my own memorise – that’s what they’re called, books where you just write whatever shit you want to, your feelings and all that crap. “Memorise”. It’s French or something. This dairy is going to be worth, like, millions when it’s published. Billions. Trillions. Bazillions. People are going to be saying that it is going to be the best memorise ever written by anyone, anytime, anywhere, like nothing the world is ever going to have seen. But I won’t have to go on a book tour to get on TV like all those lightweights. I’m on TV all the time now. I have three screens in my White House bedroom – not NEARLY as presidential-ish or luxury-ish as Trump Tower, I can tell you, my Dear Dairy – and I watch myself all night, even if I have to go on to Cable Fake Loser News in-between advertisements on Fox Loves Me Network. But I haven’t been writing to you, Dear Dairy, for the last few days because I can’t believe how many people are believing all that stuff Wolff wrote about me! Like how everyone around me thinks I’m a idiot and the only thing I eat in bed is cheeseburgers. It’s all true, but how can people be so disloyal as to believe it? Makes me sadly. Lonely at the top, not thin on the top, my hair is NOT thinning, it’s thick and glossy-ish, like a lion’s main course. I get North Korn-Hole-E-A to come to South Korea for the first time in history and no one even says, “Thank you, Mr President,” but they don’t have to sing it, just say it. But they don’t. Makes a lonely tear come to my eye. This is the feelings bit, Dear Dairy. That fake tear will be worth a lot of real money, you wait and see.

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