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The Secret Diary of Donald J Trump, aged 70 ¾

Bigly Hands, Bigly Buttons

3rd January 2018. Year hardly started and already it’s filled with end-to-end rear ends. Very good joke. Got to Tweet that, get my 46 billion followers to retweet it, my joke will be best joke in the world it already is the best joke ever told, many people are already saying that. I’m the bestly for jokes and the bestly for business, stock exchange going through the roof only because of me not because of Obama, he did nothing and I did everything. But still it’s a world of assholes, one in North Korn-Hole-E-A, Little Rocket Ping Pong Man, thinking he can scare me with nukes. I OWN THE NUKES. Except the Russian nukes. But Vlad promised never to use those against me so nah-nanny-boo-boo to Niger-American Obama wasn’t even born here! Fake president! Another asshole in Eye-Ran, can’t wait for them to overthrow him. Can’t stand Muslims generally but the ones who won’t wear proper clothes are the worstly kind. Men in dresses deserve to get their pussies grabbed! And, right at home, right in my back pocket, the biggest asshole of them all, Steve Bannon! He will double his asshole profits, though, because I will rip him a new one. Got my bestly line, ever from him: he lost his mind, not just his job! Worth going to jail for that one! Or, at least, worth sending Don Jnr to jail for it. He needs toughening up, anyway. Still crying over Ivanka getting more notice than him in that new book about me.

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