The Secret Diary of Donald J Trump, aged 70 ¾
New Year, Same Old
New Year's Day, 2018. First day of a new year and feels like same old, same old. Why do I feel so sadly? Bothering me muchly. Yuge sense of disappointingly. Yuge. Like my you-know-what. Beauty queens in Miss Universe, you-know-what! Still feeling sadly, despite reflecting on all my sexual conquests, all that pussy I’ve grabbed, millions more than any other man in history. Conned my way into biggest moneymaking position in the whole world – the White House of Crooked Deals, already getting yuge profits by going to failing Mar-A-Lago every chance I get, for exemplary – and still so emptyingly inside! Little fat kid who follows Melania everywhere getting on my nerves. He’s so fat! Does not look like me! I’m not fat! I’m big-boned! I’m barrel-chested, just the barrel starts a little lower. I AM NOT FAT! Fake Cable Loser News used special fat lenses to make me look fat on Mar-A-Lago golf course! That’s why I made them park the truck there, so fat-lens cameras wouldn’t photoshop me into looking like a sausage stuffed into golf clothes. If they bring back the skinny lenses they use for George Clooney, I’ll let them film me. I hate them. All my life, I was the fat kid who got laughed at. Look now: Niger-American Obama – I already repealed his healthcare just by beating his bitch! Look at the Nations United Against Me! No funding! Look at the Dreamers! They’ll be the Dead in Their Sleepers! Look at all of you, now! You thought last year was hard? If you’re not on my side, the firepower of America is coming for you in 2018! That means you, too, Kim Ping Pong in Korn-Hole-E-A, and you, too, Robert Mule-Fucker. Russia is fake news! Unless they find the real connections. Sigh. Feeling sadly and worriedly now. Who knew creaming off the top would be so complicated? O Vlad! Why don't you call?