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The Secret Diary of Donald J Trump, aged 71 ¾

Saved by the Old Bat

Dubbya Bush is one of the world’s great losers, worst ratings ever as Commander-in-Chief, except for Babbon Obama, but it’s an ill wind that blows no gooder than Stormy. His dead mother’s taken the heat offa me! All the Fake News and even the Good Fox Loves Me News are showing nothing but Barbara Bush repeats! Stupid bitch, taking my headlines, but at least no one’s talking about Michael No-Cojones and Jim Criminally now!

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Bareback-Riding, Limp Shrimp-Hiding

Remembering that old Negro spiritual for a week now, “If not for bad luck, I wouldn’t have no luck at all”. Or something. They TOLED me not to say nothing about Stormy. THEY MADE ME REPETE IT, LIKE, A ZILLION TIMES: I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT STORMY! So, when the Fake News asked me what I knew about the agreement with Stormy, what was I supposed to say?

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Stormy-in-a-D-Cup

Well, I think the whole Stormy-in-a-D-Cup thing is over now. You just have to throw them something bigger. Who cares about Stormy, now they have trade wars with Gina to talk about? Just Melania and she doesn’t matter any more now than she did then. What’s Melania gonna do anyway? Threaten to take that fat kid away from me? That's like threatening to take NAFTA away: that’s what I want!

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Stormy Weather for the Hope-Less

Since this whole Stormy thing broke, they toled me not to Tweet a word and I thought that meant no dairy either! It took me nairly three weeks to figure out they don’t know about my secret dairy! I can writhe here anytime I want! That’s how good I keep a secret. I’m the BEST secretor in the world. Nobody secretes like me!

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Sock It to Little Rocket (Man)

Really hope Babbon Obama is watching TV now. Even Cable FAKE News is finally telling the truth: I HAVE FORCED Kim Ping Pong TO THE BARGAINING THING! They laught at me when I said my nuclear button was biger than his like their laughing now about my STEAL TARRIFFS ARE TARRIFIC!!!! But see who’s come crawling to beg America to let them live now!

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