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Letters of Resignation
WHENEVER Trinidad out-Trinidads itself – like when the sitting government is so pleased with its own incompetence that it votes itself a pay rise, while asking everyone else to hold some patriotic strain – I cheer myself up by printing a few letters from the editor. Like all my best ideas, I stole it – this one from the National Lampoon, the nationwide spinoff of the Harvard University satirical magazine, a publciation that could not survive in an age where a man who brags about his ability to grab women by the feline portions can be shunted into the Oval Office under a system rigged in favour of the former slaveholding members of those Disunited States.
As always, I certify these letters are 100 per cent authentic because I made them up myself.
It have nothing more vexating to me than people whey cyar even speak good putting stresses and thing on we system, whereby po’ Trinidadian people whey never vote for nobody but the PNM cyar even get they state handout like normel becaw them in Parliament only gi’ing ‘way we petro-dullers to a setta Venezuelian. Is we ten days we want, not no fire-trocking diez dias in they madre ass. Run them Venes and run we morney. Excepting the clear-skin hos. Them could stay.
Bu’ning Tyre Until Them Venes Bu’n Rubber and Bus’ It
Back to They Maduro Ass
Even though our last Attorney-General was arrested recently and our Political Leader Granny makes about a thousand statements every day and the current government can’t make a note, we’ve still somehow managed to make ourselves completely irrelevant.
Fading Yellow Jerseys
Seen Nowhere Really
Tell that fella who post that Facebook video lambasting us to haul his tail. When he could lash 20 balls of fast bowling for could be 20 runs and bowl four overs for almost one wicket and voop at yorker and pelt ball at stumps and nearly hit like we and run across the field to catch one-out-of-four easy catch, is only then he could make video cussing West Indies players. Until you run 22 yards in a man shoes, hush! We are not failures! We make more money from cricket in the last year than we whole family make in the last generation! How you could call man wearing more gold chain than bandit losers? The only problem is them 30 extra overs they want us to play in this World Cup!
The West Indies Cricket Team
Saving the Board Plenty Money in Hotel Room Costs
And Getting Back in Time for CPL Training
I had to change my mind. Me can’t retire. Them wouldn’t make no blood clot runs at all.
Carrying the Team by Carrying My Bat
World Cup First Round
When I said, “Brexit means Brexit”, what I meant was, “Brexit means two years of my life wasted!” I even made up the word, “backstop” to try to lead Britain out of the mess old Tory fogies put us in but it was more satisfying running through wheat fields than trying to shove my deal through Parliament. But I know, now, that the problem wasn’t me! If they think Bojo the Clown can make Brexit happen, they have another think coming. And another crisis. And another general election.
Theresa May Barely Lasted Past May
Prime Minister of Decidedly Not Great Britain
No 10 Now Waving but Drowning Street
Oh, I say, rather, not fair, attacking a man when he’s up. No, nothing, nothing, murmur, murmur, playing fields of Eton, I never hit her, not really hard, you know, what a fabulous haircut of mine. Murmur, murmur, you know, 340M pounds every week, you know, National Health surface, what? I shall, you know, something. No, I never, of course, yes, lots of money. Salt-and-vinegar crisps, eh, no strudel. No, no, I’m the most popular because I’m the, you know, what, something, eh? Rather!
Heading to Downing Street Although an Idiot Despised by Many Millions of Brits
Supported by a First-past-the-post Majority of 150K Tory Party Members
People understand how important it is to pay judges well because we have to at least try to make it difficult to bribe them but, as Prime Minister, it is my duty to explain the parliamentary pay rise. And so I am telling you that this is a very demanding job and should be paid even more! You know what it is like to deal with Colm Imbert?
Prime Minister Keith Rowley
Pompek More Badder Than Rottweiler
From Mason Hall to Whitehall and Soon Back to Mason Hall
She’s a liar! She’s not even my type! She’s not rape-worthy, like my wives. Please, if you found a picture of her with me with a paper bag over her head, then you could believe her!
Using My Bigly Stable Genius Brane
Preaching to the Quire & Linch Mob
Please don’t criticise the West Indies team too much because they are really, really vitally important to the development of the sport all over the world! Thank you for understanding!
Bangladesh, Afghanistan, Ireland & Canada
Getting Better Every Year
At Least Compared to the West Indies
You really think our photograph will make the slightest firetrucking difference to the good Evangelical Christians of America? They will still vote for the orange orangutan who thinks the only good Mexican is a muerto hombre. And the only dead babies good American Christians care about are unborn white ones.
Oscar Alberto Martinez Ramirez
And His Tiny Daughter, Valeria
Face Down in the Rio Grande
Okay, you can forget about us again until Justin Bieber or Justin Trudeau does something foolish or Celine Dion releases a new album.
Riding the Raptors Win Until 2040
Even if the Team Could Just as Easily Have Been Called the Back to the Futures
The rest of the world doesn’t understand my brilliant plan for full economic recovery in Venezuela but it’s simple: we keep everything as is until everyone else but my supporters have run away to a nearby country.
The Poor Hombre’s Hugo Chavez
The irony is wasted on Trinidadians but they’ll get it in the end, when my attorneys sue and win and the state ends up paying out even more millions to my lawyer friends to cover my legal costs.
Raymond Yard for Now
But Heading Back to Cabildo Chambers
How much suffering do I have to inflict on you all before you understand that, if I did exist, which I don’t, I really don’t give a firetruck.
Toying with Humans for 200,000 Years with Tornadoes, Droughts & Floods
Plus Pestilence Like Peas
Firetruck Reparations; we’ll be happy if we can get a cab in Manhattan.
Black American Men
Walking 14 Miles from Brooklyn to Midtown Every Firetrucking Day
Tell the truth: until you saw that viral video of me, six weeks after heart surgery, prancing and strutting and pouting in that gym, it never crossed your mind that I needed to rehearse that shit, did it? Or that I could conceivably need a mirror for it?
Moves Like Me
Accepting Horner Babies Rather than Admitting Shooting Blanks
Okay, okay, it’s a dog whistle and what they really hear is, “Make America Hate Again!”
BC Pires is the Honorary American Consul in Port of Spain