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​Putting Down Work

Recently, three world famous people – Donald “Fat Nixon” Trump, the Sultan of Brunei and Police Commissioner Gary “Double Geopardy” Griffith (who is world famous in Trinidad) – made such terrible public faux pas that, today, I feel compelled to spin their gaffes into gold. After 30 years of writing about Trinidad, that has become my work: to serve up the nausea-inducing unpalatable as tasty tidbits people will swallow whole (even if, later, they vomit).

Since the Mueller Report had its AG brown paper cover removed, Fat Nixon stands revealed as more of a Mafia don than a presidential one. In response, he sought to pass himself (a treasonous, draft-dodging, wife- and employee-cheating, money-launderer) off as a Christian persecuted for his faith. The Sultan of Brunei, with, it would seem, God’s blessing, recently instituted in his nation/personal playground the Sharia law penalties of public stoning to death for adulterers (presumably only female ones) and homosexuals (presumably only male ones); and Gary Griffith first grandiosely searched visiting Jamaican musician Buju Banton’s hotel room and then grandiloquently appeared on stage with him in the poor policeman’s version of Bob Marley making former Jamaican Prime Ministers Michael Manley and Edward Seaga shake hands.

Even a satirical publicist for the old Double-Greedy-for-Photo-Ops has his work cut out because there is no one in the world more committed to publicizing Gary Griffith than Gary Griffith, a reality that makes even the fantasy job of police commissioner publicist redundant before it can begin. Thankfully, however, nobody in the world could need a publicist, fantasy or real, more desperately than the old Double-Down, immediately after he has done his own image-boosting. Out of pity for the PR saddests forced to rewrite their bosses’ gratuitous self-harm as beneficial, then (and for your amusement), I offer templates of how these boo-boos can be turned into booyakas.

Saint Donald Prays for Democratic Pharisees

Many people are saying the Pope will soon canonize as Saint Donald the Rev Donald J-for-Jesus Trump, who was self-ordained (because there was no better pastor) by the Rev Donald J-but-not-for-Jesus-yet Trump, spiritual leader and CEO of Trump Russian Unorthodox Church. The Rev Donald J-for-Jesus Trump self-ordained himself out of sheer delight, after obtaining his tweet in divinity from Trump Church University & Holy Thingy. “I will never forgive them,” said Saint the Rev Donald Trump, “for they knew I was firetrucked by Robert “Little Satan” Mueller, but my suffering is for you, my nationalist children.” Pope the Rev Saint Donald said he was being targeted because he was a celibate Christian monk and had vowed never to pay Stormy Daniels for sex. Again. If Saint the Rev Donald Trump’s tax returns are released, it will be taken as proof of his first miracle.

Brunei the New Holy Land Leads in World Tourism

Despite smear campaigns by bitterly jealous Jews and Saudis, pilgrimage tourists are choosing the new Holy Land of Brunei over the old-fashioned, outdated, “analogue” not-nearly-as-holy cities of Jerusalem and Mecca. Instead of the dead boring dull black stones of Mecca and Jewish wailing walls that bore the holy visitor to tears, Brunei offers the kind of real excitement the discriminating holy tourist desires today. At Brunei’s sparkling new Recep Tayyip Erdogan Stoning Stadium (named in honour of a Turkish president so dedicated to Muslim rights, he screened the New Zealand mosque massacre footage at his political rallies), visitors experience the most thrilling of entertainments in the live stoning to death of women, cats, homosexuals and other abominations. The audience is king at all public violence put on by the Brunei’s Ministry of Morality & Beheadings: targets are buried up to their necks before the stoning starts, so the fun cannot be spoiled by the sinners running away! Moderate admission prices include a selection of hefty stones, hand-picked by imams for accurate pelting. Principle and amusement are joined by the hand of the righteous and the heads of the depraved. Raincoats available on request. Buju Banton’s song, no longer available on his music catalogue, is the hymn played at stonings: “Boom bye-bye inna batty bwoy head, dem haffi dead”.

I and I Want to Rule My Double-G

His Imperial Majesty & Police Commissioner Gary Griffith stole the show away from ex-convict Buju Banton last week. Commissioner Gary “Serious Man” Griffith set the high moral example of lawfulness by searching a Rastaman’s room, where you are almost always bound to find ganja and then, only because his patriotism led him to avoid an international incident of Jamaicans refusing to buy Crix or send us patties, Commissioner “Show What Police Can Do” Griffith took selifes with Buju. Double-G is much better looking. Buju was so pleased not to be arrested and lose his gig, he called Commissioner Gary “Omatie Lyder Mother” Griffith up on stage to perform with him. “’im is the first Babylon which never plant no weed ‘pon me inna raid, big up, Double-Gangsta,” said Buju. Gary “One Shot” Griffith snatched the mic away from Buju and performed Banton’s “Destiny” and “Circumstances (Made Me what I Am)” far better than Buju. When local journalists begged for an encore, Gary dropped the mic and left the stage, calling, over his shoulder as he left, “Let BC Pires sing for all-you, that short mother’s can’t help him at all!”

BC Pires is not a rock star in Brunei

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