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Lost at SEA

YESTERDAY, on the most devastating single morning of their 4,000-day-old lives, 18,000 children sat the Secondary Entrance Assessment examination. Christian parents might believe their childrens baptism day was the most important to the Lord in heavens but yesterday was, in fact i.e., in reality far more important to the Ministry of Education. Yesterday decided whether tiny tykes passed for a prestige school which, in Trinidad, means one where you have a fighting chance of an education, rather than fighting every day to defend your lunch money against your little undergraduate gangsta classmates. A prestige school just might prevent you from ending up working for Prestige Holdings, proprietors of KFC, where your major life skill will be dropping fried chicken into a cardboard box.

In sympathy with children whose educations may have been given the kiss of death before theyve even had their first kiss, then, I begin my own Senility Entrance Assessment exam today, doing what I can figure out of the maths section from a Newsday SEA practice test. Next Friday, Ill try language arts, the modern pidgin for what used to be called English.

Mathematics. Section I.

Q1. Write in words the numeral 27 459? Im puzzled by the grammar of maths: why is the numeral included in the sentence? And why a space, not a comma, between 27 and 459? In any case, in modern Trinidad, no matter what the question, the answer is always, Police Commissioner Gary Double God Griffith, pray for him and may God bless his camouflage. Q2. Kumar has $97 and Freddy has three $20 bills, two $10s and six $5s. Who has more money? Easy answer for dyed-in-the-curry Trinidadian racists; Freddy may have more money TODAY, but Kumar will have more money forever. Q4. A piece of cable wire measuring 7.6m is cut into four smaller equal pieces. What is the length of each small piece of wire? Again, the language artlessness of this maths is worrying: why are the words piece, wire, smaller and the whole phrase small piece of wire included? Wouldnt our 11-year-olds understand, A 7.6m cable is cut into four equal pieces. What is the length of each? SEA questions, framed by adult bureaucrats, say more about those who set it than those who sit it. Q8. Calculate: 27.25 3.84? Thats more like it. Just give them sums and let them fail faster. Barra-men will tell you most people cant check change nowadays, so better to streamline the CEPEP/Rasta City feeds from early. Q9. Kelisha earns $680 daily for working eight hours. Calculate Kelishas hourly rate? More like, Calculate whether Kelisha will find another job; only Petrotrin was paying those rates, so betty-goatee to Kelisha, who has to try to get a job on merit now. Q11. Jahmaylher arrived at 8.35am. If she arrived 15 minutes early, what time was her interview? Is this a maths test or an American Democratic party identity politics brochure? Jahmaylher? This is a little bit too much firetrucking inclusion, when a made-up name that stretches the elastic limits of even modern made-up names gets into the SEA!

Section II. Q 21. Study and complete the [number] sequence: 4, 16, 36, ___, ___, 144, 196? Well, Id need a calculator and/or a long weekend to work that one out; so much for CIC or QRC for BC. Q 24. There are 15 flowers for every three leaves on a quilt. If there are 12 leaves, how many flowers are there? Since when do Trinis or Bagonians have quilts and not blankets? Or is it to throw off the stupider children and make them forget to divide 12 by three first? Q26. Makesi ordered a t-shirt from a designer whose fee was $80 per hour or part thereof. If the designer worked from 10.45am to 3.30pm, what did Makesi pay? The answer is Gary Griffith (see working-out at Q1). Q28. Farmer A sells cassava at 250g for $1.85. Farmer B sells it at 500g for $4. Farmer C sells 1kg at $7.78. Whose cassava is the most expensive? The real question is why three farmers selling side-by-side would price by the quarter-, half- and full kilo; its like theyre deliberately trying to confuse Makesi, Jahmaylher and all the other children in the SEA test. Q29. The square of a number is 40 more than the product of 27 and three. What is the number? Hmmm. Im not positive but I want to believe the answer is, Play Whe; also, the future KFC intake is likely to answer, cleverly, What ent a number, boi, what is a word! Q31. If three eggs are required to make one cake, how many cakes can four dozen eggs make? Firetruck off, eggs cant bake. Q33. Shaka weighs 39.9kg and his cousin Julien weighs 2 3/5 lighter than Shaka. Calculate their combined weight? More grammar dressed as maths: Julien doesnt weigh lighter, he IS lighter; to say he weighs lighter means hes keeping his thumb on the scale when hes weighing the cassava from Q28.

Section III. Q41. There are seven two-seater and nine four-seater rides in an amusement park. If on Saturday evening 38 patrons went on rides, what percent of the seats were occupied on Saturday evening? The answer is none, because Police Commissioner Gary Double Geopardy Griffith went, and his police escort chased all the sufferers away before he arrived. Q 42. Denish purchased notebooks in a buy six notebooks @ $12 each and get one free sale. If Denish received 56 notebooks, how much money did he spend on notebooks? Again, what is the money doing in the sentence? What else was Denish going to spend? Time? Patience? Bitcoin? Red women? And how come nobody has ordinary names, ordinarily spelt, in the SEA any more? What happened to Boyo and Carla? Thats enough firetrucking maths. Next week we do language artlessly.

BC Pires is dunce

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