Subscribe to Thank God It’s Friday
Scroll down to search or read more
An open letter to the embattled legal dictator of Venezuela (never mind that it was mainly him who foutie-well put himself in his own monkey pants), written in the style of the Trinidadian who well-feel he could eh-speak eh-Spanish like Al Pacino in Scarface, becaw, one time, 20 years ago, in form dos, he did write nearly a whole essay in eh-Spanish
Que pasta and thing-o? Yo hope-o that usted-o are okay-o, pero yo no comprende, as hombre, how usted-o could really be-o okay-o, in truth-o, with all them thing-o what going on over-o there-o. Cuando yo watch-o how hombre-kind-o protesting-o in the calle and them in Caracas, is one setta ‘panyol like ants in sugar, yeah oui, so mucho people-o, yo can’t-o even see-o the calle itself, no barber-o-green-o at all-o, becaw it have-o more-o people-o on the street-o than 3 Canal band- on Jouve-o morning-o in Port-o-Spain-o.
Ahora, Nicolas, yo have-o to tell-o you-o, as hombre, yo on usted-o side-o, you hear, breds? As hombre, yo feel-o that Caricom-o have-o the right-o approach-o: Venezuela is a soverign-o nation-o, and is only all-you Venezuelan ‘panyol whereby could solve-o usted-o own problemas.
But eh-scooch-eh-me, Nicolas, mi hermano-o, usted-o catching your tail-o and yo can’t-o see-o a way out-o for usted-o, excepting usted-o resign-o. If-o usted-o don’t do that-o, them ‘panyol on the calles of Caracas go make arepas and empanadas out of usted-o and usted-o Cabinet-o.
Unless-o usted-o sic-o the army-o in they madre ass-o.
And it better-o for Yanqui to kill-o Venezelanos than usted-o.
Nicolas, is not-o that-o yo soy pro-Estados Unidos, neither Eastados Uni-tres, Uni-cuatros or Estados Uni-cincos. Yo comprende that-o usted-o blame-o El Tio Sam-o for todos usted-os problemas. And Yo foutie-bueno comprende-o that, if the gringos and them-o have usted-o in they sights-o, is crapaud-o smoke-o your pipe-o!
Pero, Nicolas, mi perro, mi caballo, all them people-o filling up all them calle cyar be working-o for the CIA-O! Them go eat you like mango chow, Nicolas-o!
Eh-scooch-eh-me, hermano-o, yo watching Face-o-Book-o and, every dia, somebody posting a new video of some hot-o chick-o giving civics or politics-o lesson-o on why usted-o not really legitimo. Yo done see ‘bout mus’ be ocho or nueve or diez video-o whereby usted-o supposed-o to go-o.
Pero me ent business-o with that-o. Usted-o was democratically-o elected-o at some tiempo in the past-o, no maths-o in that-o! Usted-o pull-o some rapido tricks-o on usted-o own people-o, but it still clearly have-o a case-o that people-o who want-o to support-o usted-o could make to defend-o they own-o outlook-o. Cuando usted-o seeing-o that Carciom-o and the Jamaat-o both-o supporting usted-o, it bound to have-o some argumentado usted-o could hecho.
Yo no business-o neither with whether-o or not-o usted-o lose-o usted-o work-o becaw that Guaido tess-o appoint heself-o as president. It have-o dos side-o to every argumentado, yo done see that-o! The estupido people-o a la izquierda and los estupidos there on the derecho, the dos of them-o wasting-o tiempo arguing quien es more-o legitimo, usted-o or the Gauido tess-o.
Yo not charging usted-o with betraying-o usted-o people-o, I giving usted-o that for free, becaw usted-o clearly throw ‘way dos-thirds of usted-o people-o. Cuando usted-o directly responsible-o for dos milliones of usted-os own citizens-os bussing it out-o of-o usted-o own pais, usted-o have lost-o the derecho to claim usted-o are the jefe de los people-os.
Nicolas, is like-o usted-o not watching out-o usted-o own window-o! Usted-o not seeing all-o them ‘Panyol? Nicolas, usted-o ever hear about wall-to-wall carpet? Usted-o have-o wall-to-wall people-o in las calles de Caracas-o! Them not there to sing-o the national anthem-o! Them looking-o to pelt-o your tail-o into next-o week-o!
Usted-o need-o to watch-o what happen-o in Syria-o. Cuando that next-o dictator-o, Bashar Al-Assad-o, decide-o not to go-o, them Russian-o and them-o move een one-tiempo and, since then, is war-o and starvation-o and murder-o for his own people-o.
Nicolas, it have-o dos real-o madman-o in high-o officio on both-o side o’ the Atlantic-o, and both-o o’ them madman-o just itching to go mano-a-mano, hermano! Usted-o have-o to comprende that is usted-o people-o whereby go get kill-o! Both-o Putin-o and Trump-o will mash up Venezuela and exterminate-o usted-o, uno para NATO y uno with gusto para just-for-so. Just-o to keep-o they own people-o at casa quiet, them-o will make-o Venezuela they battleground-o, and that go be groun-o-zero-o for usted-o.
Maduro, hermano, es tiempo to go-o. Rapido.
Viva la Bamba
Comrade-o Bay Say
BC Pires es una paloma blanca.