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​Patriot of the Patriotism Month

IS ONLY because I is “De Bess” true Trini patriot which it could ever have whereby I’m only now writing a Patriotism Month column, four days after it done; in fact, this is my patriotic campaign to replace the national motto of, “Discipline, Production & Tolerance” with the much more better, “Day Late & Dollar Short”; I is a true-true Trini patriot and I lacks the grammars to prove it. The only thing more green than the knowledge I brings to bears on anything I talks ‘bout is my verbs and them.

And eef anybody only boldface enough to say I shoulda write this Patriotism Month column last Friday, when we was still in Patriotism Month, check out they colour and you go see they only crying me down becaw they black/Indian/red/white or becaw I went and live in Barbados.

I more patriotic than any-fire-trocking-body becaw watch how I change “firetrucking” to “fire-trocking” just for Patriotism Month. I more patriotic than the PNM, the UNC, the NAR, the COP and the XYZee, becaw I change the pronunciation of the last letter of the alphabet from “zed” to “zee” two days after Sesame Street first episode show on TTT in 1970. A Trini patriot does chuck away anything local as soon as it have a Yankee version; watch how we does turn we nose up at premium Trinidad rum and pay through we nose for blended fire-trocking Scutch, not even single malts!

And is whole month I acting patriotic, yeah, oui. Every flim mankind watch in the Flims Festival, I stroll een late, talking on my cellphone and pushing people foot to get to a seat in the middle when it have plenty empty seat on the both end of the row. It had plenty other patriotic Trini in the cinema, too, one setta cellphone screen lighting up, people watching Instagrams instead of the picture, but them wasn’t good movie anyway, becaw them didn’t had Denzel or Bruce Willis as the star-boy and halfa-them was in Spanish and the only good thing ever come out of Spain was red woman, ent!

I was a real patriots, too, in the debate ‘bout whether proud African-American Trini patriot queens should straighten they hair and I show my patriotics most by cussing out the white foreigner who come in we country to thief we noble culture and thing, even if he only ever make flims ‘bout po’ black people. Them have anything to boast ‘bout in Barcelona? We have better footballer playing small-goal in the Savannah than it have in the whole of the La Leaguer. Ent! Being a patriotic Trini mean you never have to research anything before you talk about it. Watch, eef you has no CXCs, no CAPE, no DP-self (Driver’s Permits, of cuss), eef you know nothing ‘bout anything and your approach is more skuller-ly than scholarly, you could host a talk-show on Trinidad radio, once you gets people to say, “I love my country” before they spew they hate.

Once it ent have no police timing, nobody does be more patriotic than me when I driving: I does hit 140kph between Maraval and St Ann’s roundabouts! If somebody only try to cross the road, I does speed up! Them ever see car in hospital bed? But, eef I wants to cross the road, I stepping into the path of every car: bounce me, nuh! In any case, them shouldn’t be driving so fast anyhow; it have people hustling to sell newspaper and thing in the road, whereby nobody should be allow to do that, becaw it dangerous, but is the onliest place I could buy my Newsday so that okay for me, becaw I does be quick.

I always turn on my car headlights during the day in patriotic protest over lawlessness and thing. Nobody could wine down lower or jump up higher than me in any party or on any issue and I ready to take two side in any dispute, I backing the police commissioner but, oh gorm, the minister shoulda do better, ent.

I ignores the fabric of any issue and ready to fight over the hem.

You could hear my patriotism booming out of my car speakers as I speed around the Savannah. A true Trini patriot does spend more on a car stereo than on his children and I only blasting pure soca and one-two of them more dutty-chutney, which does make them gyul wine nasty.

The onliest thing more patriotic than talking loud about something you knows nothing about is blasting music so loud nobody can’t hear theyself talk, and everybody in the party lose they voice. Even baby christenings have to have music so loud, the glasses in people’ cupboards a mile away does vibrate. The party ent good unless you could feel your brain throbbing in your skull.

As a Trini patriot, too, I have a personal relationship with God, whereby I know I doing everything good becaw I does pray on every issue and wait for God to answer, which must be just like how the Cabinet come up with the idea of Patriotics Month.

Onliest thing is, I thought I did hear Jesus/ Jah/ Yahweh/ Allah/ Mother Lakshmi say that it really shoulda be called Opportunistic Month.

Or Unexamined firetrucking Life.

BC Pires is not just Trini to de bone but Trini to de backboneless

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