GIVE THANKS to God that He at last gave the strength, holy vision and automatic weaponry to those righteous, honourable, Godly Muslim men in Paris on Wednesday to invade those highly dangerous offices of the satirical magazine, Charlie Hebdo, and slaughter a dozen unbelievers; God alone knows what would have happened to His fighters if those infidels at Charlie Hebdo had remained alive long enough to respond with barrages of sarcasm.

The only good unbeliever is a dead unbeliever, as was so correctly said of American Indians, Negroes and Commies before, in the same manner we say the same thing heartily, this week, of satirists. (Note: satirist/satyr-wrist: through His Homophones, as through His Scriptures, God lets us know all journalists are sinful; also wankers; and homophones have nothing to do with blinged-out pink Samsung Galaxies.) Additionally, the more unbelievers we kill, the fewer conversions we’ll have to make down the divine line. This is exactly what God wants: the faithful are required by God to annihilate unbelievers, yes, but God is infinitely more pleased if believers attack hostile ideas.
Kill a crusader once and he’s gone for good but let an idea live and it will fester or develop and, in time, will undermine the foundation of all faith: the blind, unquestioning acceptance of doctrine. God’s warriors cannot allow such ideas as mockery of the palpably ridiculous to live: irreverence – and the questioning of all authority to which it leads – must eventually destroy all religion, it the notion takes hold. It was an idea, after all, that caused Adam to be tricked out of his place in Paradise by the demon Eve, whose very hair is so sinful, it must be covered up, lest the weak Adam, unable to put sin out of his thoughts and praise God, is tempted into impure thoughts: God Himself declares it is better to open fire in the Charlie Hedbo office than to open your mind to thoughts of that little Reds in Accounts; better to spill someone else’s blood than allow your own to rush to south of your navel; and better, too, to slaughter unbelievers generally with great enthusiasm than ponder which specific set of believers is correct.

God knows that the most correct religion of all time and of any time is the most recent one: it is the argument that allows Islam to claim pole position in the believer race: Muslims recognise the earlier prophets, like Jesus and Moses, and accommodate them. Islam must be right, because it’s backward-compatible with Christianity and Buddhism and so on, and that’s all a true believer should need to convince him to convert to Islam. It’s like how Blu-Ray players can play DVDs but not vice versa: the discerning Christian needs to upgrade to Islam, just as someone with a PS3 would aspire towards the PS4.

Islam is also the ideal religion of unthinking young men with a lot of testosterone to be displaced in any way other than the sinful touching of the flesh – even one’s own flesh. But, luckily, there is a motivation even more potent in ignorant young males than the urge to sexual action: the urge to violence.

Islam’s basic or starter jihad features allow the use of automatic weapons as well as swords but the constantly improving Islam jihad will soon encourage the use of nuclear weapons against states/ideas. All brother-believers shall shout God’s praises with joy when the state of Israel vanishes under the weight of ISIS’s-soon-to-be-acquired nuclear bombs; and all brother-believers will get an extra virgin in Paradise for every non-believer they take out before they go. (For it is written: better to take out six Westerners, beheading them with a rusty letter-opener, than take out a single girl to the movies: the former leads to glory, the latter, to sin!)

Sunni Muslims, those loving lugs behind Al-Quaeda, are confident that theirs is the only true faith but they need to watch out: a newer faith is brewing, and it’s not Rastafarianism, although the belief that the last emperor of Ethiopia was also the last manifestation of God on Earth must, in time, spread faster than even Islam, Sunni-style. (Reggae music will surely work miracles to ensure Selassie-I will supersede Muhammud, peace be unto his name, who just don’t got the beats to appeal to today’s youth.)
But there is a religion brewing that will blow them all away.

Religions, like glaciers, must be considered over centuries to discern their movement: when Jesus walked the Earth, his followers couldn’t fill a small cinema, let alone the stadiums of “modern” Islamic states that are regularly jam-packed with believers giving thanks for the holy beheadings/stonings to death.

In our own lifetime, we have seen the emergence of books that brought genuine meaning to the lives of millions and millions of misguided youth, that saved them from sin and certain suffering – and gave them a theme park ride, to boot! Just as the books of Matthew, Mark, Luke & John were not appreciated in their time as the revealed Word of God, so, too, the Harry Potter series will, two millennia from now, become sacrosanct. And JK Rawling, peace and copyright be unto her name, will at last be recognised as the Prophet she is; perhaps even deified.
And, in our distant future, the people attacking the forces of reason will be wearing wizard’s cloaks instead of clothing that was the height of fashion in Mecca in the year 1400. And their fervour will be just as intense – and their actions just as defensible – as those noble jihadists who slaughtered humour in Paris this week.
You could die firetrucking laughing.

There is no BC Pires but BC Pires; and nothing is his profit