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Letters of Marque
WHENEVER Trinidad out-Trinidads itself – like when the Minister of Works congratulates himself for finding seats on planes at the airports for the thousands of people he stranded at the seaports because he couldn’t get a ferry to work, or Trinidad & Tobago votes against her hurricane-devastated sister, Dominica, and the Prime Minister attempts to repackage fake leadership as fake news – I cheer myself up by printing a few letters from the editor.
The bone-marrow good manners which makes the Trinidadian apologise for robbing you at knifepoint when all self-respecting bandits are using guns nowadays forces me to admit I stole this idea from the National Lampoon, the American satirical magazine that no longer has a place in a world that elected a Russian joke for an American president.
As always, I certify these letters are 100 per cent authentic because I made them up myself.
Unpatriotic treasonous UNC agents attacking me for my so-called lack of leadership but I am the king of firetrucking leadership; once it ent have nothing to do with ferry-ship.
Prime Minister of Tobago & Trinidad
Smoke That in Yuh Grave, There, Patos
Please tell Trinidad not to bother run about like yard fowl with head pull off making as eef them wasn’t voting bad-mind against Dominica in the OAS. Tell T&T we done know that all Trinidad care about is fete & red woman and all Tobago care about is curry crab and making sure they get half of the Budget.
The Rest of Caricom
Less Money but More Decency than All-You
Hordes of invading Mexican-Hondurans, North Korea stockpiling nukes, Gina throwing tariffs at US goods like rice at a wedding, Cheatin’ Obama still obviously black and Cable Fake News Network still chooses to chase fake news about Russia and Trump! At least everyone has forgotten Stormy now, though.
Pressing Buttons Wildly Until One Does Something Right
The East Wing of the White House aka Mar-A-Lago
Whom the gods wish to destroy, they first make mad.
Still Current Wisdom
Whom the PNM wish to destroy, they first make ambassador to the Organization of American States.
Taking Licks for Keith
Disorganization of Stating Any Policy from Trinidad
Please tell BC Pires that, if he wants to spike his readership, he should forget about that chocolate-egg-laying rabbit pretender and start writing about hot chicks with puffy earmuffs, tight bathing suits and beachball-sized implants.
The Playboy Bunny
New Outfits, Same Old Exploitation
Playboy Clubs Closing Everywhere
Lying Western media reports falsey-making Russia, Land of Hopes and Glories and million of sexy Slavic prostitutes try to look bad but Russia is greatest country in history and will crush whole world into porridge for feed to Theresa May after greatest leader in planet break her teeth for insult world’s most magnificentest nation.
Hand Up Bottom of Ventriloquist Dummy Trump
Rubbing Poison on Doorknob of Number 10 Downing Dacha
Pride. Shame. Our way. The respect of the people. Hope itself. All sense of direction. To Ireland. To Afghanistan twice in one tournament. 19 wickets in one day, a Test match in two days. Is there anything we haven’t lost yet? Oh, yes, an ODI by an innings – but give us time.
The West Indies Cricket Team
Strongly Led From In Front
Straight Into Cricket Hell
What is a letter of marque?
A letter of marque given to private ships allowed them to outfit with cannon and commit acts that would otherwise be piracy.
In October 2016, I flee Aleppo to escape dictatorship of crazy, power-mad, corrupt dictator who exploit his pipples to enrich own family and make more money for himself even if children getting shot down in schools. Moved to America. Town called Parkland in Florida. Seem like I never left home.
Ali Bin Daydreaming
Driving Uber In-between Three Jobs
Pining for Lofty Political Leadership of Syria
Americans can elect an idiot to the presidency. North Koreans can praise a fat, stupid dictator for firing nukes. The planet could warm to boiling point and turn the whole Atlantic Ocean into one big fish broth. World maps could rename Amazon Rainforest as Amazon Desert. We will not give a flying firetruck unless and until profits are threatened.
Paving the Road to Prosperity with Child-Workers, Slaves and Inhumanity
Let BC Pires write all he want about anyone which believe in Adam & Eve must be dunce. Let him talk! God go do for he!
Pentecostals in Heaven
Laughing at Agnostics for All Eternity
But Jealous the 57 Virgins by the Jihadists Next Door in Heaven
Richer Than Most Countries
Remember: after they’ve got us, they’ll go for the Jews and then the blacks. Then the schoolteachers. And then the unions. And then it will be your turn.
Homosexuals & Lesbians
Every Country in the World
Equating Deregulation with Freedom
BC Pires is a marqued man