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The Secret Diary of Donald J Trump, aged 71 and 3/4

SINCE LAST NOVEMBER, to avoid despair at the thought of the jackass currently braying in the Oval Office, I’ve been writing, intermittently, a spoof Donald Trump diary (as readers of my website know). It cheers up people, I’m told, but I really write it for myself: if I couldn’t mock him at will, I’d have to write my will and shoot myself.

My parody uses, as a springboard, the late Sue Townsend’s hilarious, immaculately-written The Secret Diary of Adrian Mole aged 13 and ¾ but, beyond title-inspiration, there is little similarity between the diaries, largely because the only similarity between the fictional Adrian Mole, the hapless-but-lovable teenager, and the real-life, hapless-but-detestable Trump, is the figure of “13 and ¾”, which represents Adrian Mole’s age and Donald Trump’s IQ.

Over 45-odd instalments of my Trump diary, the line between President Jackass’ daily idiocies and my attempts at exaggerating them to reveal their stupidity has grown progressively thinner. In January, e.g., when that “bomb cyclone” hit the USA, I started giggling to myself. “I’ll write a Trump diary,” I thought, “saying all this snow proves that global warming is a Chinese hoax”; a good one, but the joke was on me: before I could reach my computer keyboard, Trump had already tweeted, seriously, boastfully, self-righteously, what I was about to say to mock him!

This week, as the real America emerged in Florida – the one that cares more about the idea of the “unborn” and the Uzi than about actual children murdered in their own classrooms – the line between Trumpian reality and my attempt at mocking it by raising it to a supposedly ridiculous level went from thin to blurred – and then Fat Nixon himself took it to non-existent. The diary entry at the end of this column shows that the most ridiculous spoof fantasies of mine, intended to make you laugh become, without irony, Trump’s own serious propositions; and make you weep.

So I turn to my spoof diary to cheer myself, and you, up. My hope is that more of you will join the Resistance by reading my diary and laughing at the jackass who inspired it, the greatest weapon the common folk have against all tyrants.

In my diary entries, I’ve freed Trump’s inner racist completely. I have, e.g., had my Trump stumble upon a name for African-Americans that he particularly likes, viz, “Niger-Americans”, which, he thought, was a refreshingly honest “name for them”, before he found out that the name of the West African republic he had in mind was actually spelled with only one “g”. He calls the predecessor he hates, not “Barack”, but “Babbon” Obama; my Trump dislikes and resents everyone, including his own family, except his first daughter, with whom my fictional Trump is hugely-inappropriately but equally openly enamoured; and my Trump can’t spell properly, indeed can barely even speak coherently, because his short attention span won’t allow him to connect two phrases together before it wanders elsewhere.

The line between fantasy and reality blurs, yes? With this diary entry, it vanishes altogether.

Deer Dairy,

Don’t like to blow my own shoehorn but how luckily America was I came along! Never thought I would admit, even in the deep secretion of my own dairy, that Babbon Obama did something goodly but he did make me mad enough to fire him. It’s a crap office, not even one gold chair, no Ovaltine at all but I STILL TOOK IT from him! Choke on that, Niger-Americans! Won’t stand for our grate anthem, I WILL MOW YOU DOWN LIKE A LAWN! And put a Negro jockey on it! Wearing a Confederate flag for colours! LOL!!! Let Omarosa rave on Big Brother, no ratings like mine, I never grabbed her whatever! I never paid Stormy, my kike lawyer must have been shtupping her, not me! RUSSIAN COLLUSION IS A HOXE BUT I WILL STOP SCHOOL SHOOTINGS FOREVER not by TAKING AWAY GUNS AND HARMING PRESHIOUS SECOND AMENDER WHATEVER but by PUTTING MORE GUNS IN SCHOOLS! How differently the scene Oreo would be, Deer Dairy, if teachers could return fire! Going to do a executive ordering thing, but not on Amazon, though I get free shipping with Prime membership, REQUIRING TEACHERS TO BE ARMED! We need more, not less, AR-15s! A gun in every classroom and a Niger-American in every prison cell! That is how we MAGA! # SMOKE THAT Little Marco!


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