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(Con) Men of Letters
ANYTIME Trinidad threatens to out-Trinidad itself – like when the PNM spends its first year in government proving that it doesn’t grasp the concept and Tobago promptly resoundingly votes them back in – I cheer myself up by diving into my “mails-bag” for letters to the editor which never got printed in the newspapers.
A rudimentary recollection of the law of copyright forces me to confess I stole this idea from the National Lampoon, the American satirical magazine that, though very funny, had no choice but to fold, because satire has no place in a modern American reality that actually elected a joke for a president. (How the firetruck does anyone satirize that?) As always, I certify these letters are 100 per cent authentic because I made them up myself. It being “the season”, there are several Carnival-related ones; and the Donald certainly qualifies as “ole mas”.
You walk past empty Royal Castle outlets and stand in long lines for Mickey D’s, KFC and Wendy’s. You unhesitatingly pay twice as much for a Starbucks as a Rituals coffee. You threaten to march against a $5 piping hot doubles but gleefully pay $20 for a frozen burrito in a cardboard box. It is impossible to overestimate Trini pretentiousness. We knew what we were doing when we entered this market.
Beating Back Battoo Bros
Short Drop to Broken
If he was getting into such paroxysms of envy over pictures of the Washington Mall showing the relative size of his inauguration crowd and President Obama’s, what would
happen if we could, somehow, publish side-by-side pictures of his hands or other appendages next to President Obama’s?
Bill Maher, John Oliver & Michael Moore
What’s Left of the Liberal Left
Dropping Anti-depressants Like Tic-Tacs
Wh’appen? What the editor-man-ah-say? ‘Ear me now, me never take no drug. If them want take away my medal, them will have fi run a marathon fi catch me first!
Bolting Past the International Olympic Committee
Still a Triple Gold Medallist
Almost all our lyrical content is about rum. Almost none of our musical content is played by a human being. Every vocal is either auto-tuned or out of tune. We sing about putting we nana in we nani hole and giving we neighbour a cock instead of a duck. Nobody really doesn’t could be serious if they say using Bollywood melodies in our tunes would lower the quality.
For Cyash Mor-ney
What kind of God would take David Bowie, Prince, Leonard Cohen and Muhammud Ali… and leave Kellyanne Contway?
A New Disbeliever
Witnessed Too Much
Yahweh No Way
My well-known phrase was coined as an explanation for certain aspects of psychological behaviour in women, such as the anxiety surrounding what I called the “castration complex”. Never in a million years did I think that “penis envy” would also perfectly describe the dominant psychological characteristic of the 45th American President!
Deep in the Donald’s Subconscious
Anybody have a firetrucking clue they could give me?
Dazed & Confused
Ministry of National Insecurity
Socialism and socialist policies have failed in every nation in which they have been tried, not counting Canada, Denmark, Finland, Sweden, Norway, Ireland, New Zealand, Belgium, France, Germany, the United Kingdom and many others. The minimum wage destroys jobs that pay peanuts and most minimum wage workers are monkeys. Unionists shamelessly exploit workers and capitalists altruistically protect them. I don’t believe in God but I do have faith: I believe in capitalism despite the evidence of the harm it does unless restrained by socialist policies! You don’t need to understand an issue before writing about it ad nauseam if you have naturally curly brains.
High Priest of Capitalism
No Profit in His Own Country
You want to know why it has to be played so firetrucking loud that you can’t even think straight? You asking answers!
Modern Soca Music
Terrified of Being Dispassionately Assessed
Riding Rhythms to Road March Mor-ney
You heard my new plan to publicize every immigrant attack on real Americans? I guess black lives do matter a little bit after all.
The Oval Jackass Pen
When costumes were made here, not shipped in a cardboard box from China, when artists like Minshall, Bailey and McWilliams brought bands that made your hair raise, instead of gluing sequins on everything, when calypso and soca had melodies you could sing and lyrics worth listening to, it was rejuvenating, or at least worth the inconvenience; today, Carnival’s only value is as two extra public holidays.
Most of the Population of Trinidad
Monday Wear, My Ass
On the Beach in Barbados or in the Mall in Miami
BC Pires is a traitor. Ent it he went and live in Barbados one time? And in London a next time? Anybody who argue for reducing state-funding of the Carnival should be charged with treason!
Pan Trinbago, TUCO, National Bandleaders Association
At the Trough
Who do you think is hotter, Melania or Michelle? Who do you think is more manly? Donald J Trump or Sissy-Boy Putin? Can you answer in 140 characters or less?
Dwelling on Important Matters in the Oval Office
Getting More Presidential, My Ass
You observe that our great country has fallen catastrophically in the Corruption Perception Index, from world number 71 into the low triple figures at 101? Well, you see, if we was in charge, we woulda bribe the right people and T&T woulda be in the top ten!
Ann And Jack
Seeing the Real World Clearly
So long. It was nice knowing you.
Starting with Planned Parenthood and Moving Swiftly on to the Bullers
BC Pires is a man of lettuce, if not straw