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King of Trumps
For the Rip Van Winkles who fell asleep in 2017, it was 20 years ago, today, that the 45th American president was inaugurated. The 78-year-old future BC Pires reflects, on 20 January 2037, on how the USA was changed
THE LAST GREAT President’s inauguration on 20 January 2017 was overshadowed by nothing, not even the early morning bombings of abortion clinics all over the USA by the newly-formed fighting wing of the Promise Keepers, the Covenant Enforcers. The liberal communist socialist BBC, CNN and other leftwing media/guerrilla groups thrust microphones at the Last Great President– a treasonous action requiring automatic execution today – and harangued him to denounce the bombings. The Last Great President, though, tweeted, “Don’t let the righteous punishment of baby-murderers ruin the celebration! This is a good day to party for us and a good day to die for them!”
And party they did! (And die they had, those evil baby-killers, as would, five years later, all sinners who took birth control pills; and, five years after that, any prostitute who could not prove she was a virgin on her wedding night.) The Last President’s inauguration concert, emceed by lead singer of U2 Bono’s American third cousin, Frankie, had blown the world away with the national anthem stirringly sung by the Last Great President’s son, King Baron, who, like the true patriot and Trump he was, courageously picked up the mic dropped like a hot potato by a Bruce Springsteen tribute band, the fifth runner-up in America’s Got Talent and One Door Left, the last member of what had been Three Doors Down. (Not even the Last Great President wanted Ted Nugent to play anywhere, anytime.) The surprise headline act was the Russian President, Vladimir Putin, stripped down to his waist, deftly juggling burning torches and burning issues.
The greatest surprise of all, though, was the Last Great President’s First 100 Days Action Plan, put into immediate effect via his inauguration speech, passed by the House of Representatives the Monday following and by the Senate on the Tuesday, leading to the banning of Planned Parenthood on Wednesday, when the Last Great President tweeted, “I told you that I grab them by the pussy!” Thursday featured the dismantling of the FBI, CIA and all other US intelligence agencies, except the DEA, and two presidential tweets: 1. Who needs dumb intelligence when you’ve got the world’s smartest American Prez? Big
hands, too, trust me”; and 2. Everyone in the “intelligence community” advised me not to shut them down. Who’s the smart one now? Nah-nanny-boo-boo.” On Friday, Obamacare was repealed and replaced by something terrific by leaving it just as it was and renaming it, “Trumpcare”. (Tweet: “So many Americans have healthcare now! We did something terrific, folks. Let’s Continue to Make America White Again!”)
The 100 Day Plan’s leading idea was to dismantle all mosques in America and use the bricks from them and newly-enslaved Muslim bricklayers (the “un-freemasons”) in America to build the Mexican Wall, but it almost did not get put into effect. (Muslim African-American men were not formally enslaved since 1. It would be redundant; and, 2. It would necessitate releasing them from prison.)
The plan was threatened by the Last Great President himself, who grew bored on 1 February 2017, after almost two weeks in the Oval Office, and tweeted his intention to “fire
myself from this boring gig and get back to making real money and real deals!” The Last Great President tweeted he would resign unless he got double the number of Twitter followers before bedtime; he had 40 million followers when he looked at his phone before going to sleep but tweeted, “Not good enough! Everybody bring me ten followers or I quit tomorrow!” He woke to find he had 400m followers. “Thanks,” he tweeted, “for un-rigging the system and giving me such a YUGE majority.”
The Democratic Party, as the Evil Bad People Who Hate God and Must Be Exterminated was then called, objected to the Last Great President claiming to be supported by more people than the entire population of the USA but he tweeted, “Sore losers! Going to lock up Lying Hillary for that! And appoint my unborn grandson to the Supreme Court! That’ll teach ‘em!” (That was followed by the cryptic but proud tweet: “Ivanka pregnant again! Best news! Shows the boys are still swimming strong!”)
With such an overwhelming majority, explained Secretary for Propaganda, Kellyanne Cuntway, the next step was logical, especially after the First Presidential Decree Amendment to the Constitution, which formally took the vote away from black and/or Spanish-speaking people.
On Monday, January 15, 2018, the Last Great President became the First and Only President King, and, with their own cheering acquiescence, everyone was transformed from citizens of the USA to subjects of President King Donald, who then ruled by royal proclamation. (Tweet: Well, this will still be known as King Day but we got rid of the “Martin Luther” just like we did in 1968!)
Regretfully, the First and Only President King died at age 80, after ten years in which white American prudes came into their own so powerfully that no one even missed the music that had been banned, since no one had the rhythm to dance, anyway. And today, in the White Trump Castle, sits the benevolent and beloved King Baron, who will rule for life, with several Trump descendants in line for the throne, including Baron Jnr, Donald Jnr Jnr, Ivanka Jnr, Eric Jnr, Melania Jnr and even Jared Jnr, but not Tiffany Jnr.
BC Pires admits that, even for satirical purposes, even when pushing a make-believe 80 himself, even with the pleasant imaginary thought of the Donald dead and gone, he could not bring himself to write the word “President”, with a capital p, before the surname of the Jackass. All apologies for any typos in any people’s names