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​Trump Translation

WELL THE AMERICAN DREAM – or at least the 2016 version of it fantasized about by 63 per cent of white males and 53 per cent of white females – has turned into the rest of the world’s nightmare: the planet’s biggest jackass is now headed for the White House. It’s full bigoted-misogynistic-racist speed ahead with the Devil taking the foremost and God help the rest of us; in succinct Caribbean historical terms, the white folks are back in charge of the Great House and they’ll surely whip us all into shape pretty damned soon.

What was unimaginable mere hours ago is now the reality we will suffer for the next four years, if God – or Devil – spare life, or some crackpot doesn’t make a martyr of this firetrucking moron; the only thing worse than Donald Drumpf being elected to the same office in life as Barack Obama would be putting him, in death, into the same historical category as JFK and MLK.

And, if you wanted to imagine a horror greater than the most powerful office in the world being held by a man who thinks Vladimir Putin is a hero and a former Miss Universe, the enemy, consider what life would be like for us all – especially the bullers, blacks and unbelievers – if Vice-President-Elect Mike Pence took over: imagine a man who openly mocks the handicapped on television being replaced by one who proudly weeps on television for the billions of “unborn babies” “murdered” since Roe v Wade.

The worst form of greed, cynicism and opportunism – because there is no greed like Republican greed – will now be rewarded with big Washington posts. The only thing worse than Rudy Gyul-a-Never-Rush-He gloating on Fox over being tipped off that the FBI would soon drop a bomb on Hillary Clinton is the thought of him being Attorney-General. Whose stomach doesn’t turn at the prospect of Trump’s brainless, Barbie doll surrogates becoming real life White House staff? That Kayleigh moron can’t even spell her own name!

So you will forgive me if I sidestep today deeper contemplation of the horror (the horror!) and substitute mere (and mercifully shallower) mockery; it’s so much more fulfilling to

mock Trump than take him seriously. Maybe next week I will be less dumbfounded by dumb Americans and can think more deeply about the consequences of the new upcoming season of White House Apprentice, but I suspect the harsh reality will just get harsher; especially as financial markets prove they really don’t care what calibre of person is in charge, as long they can continue to profiteer.

Here, then, for my distraction as much as yours, is a translation of the Donald’s acceptance speech, which everybody and his dog called “the first time he sounded genuinely presidential” –which really meant, “the fist time he sounded anything other than maniacal” or “the time he was at his most hypocritical”. I’ll put my translations in [square brackets] after his words in italics.

Secretary Clinton [Crooked Hillary who will go to prison when I appoint a special prosecutor to send her] congratulated us – it’s about us – on our victory [and that lip service is all you will ever get out of electing me]… We owe her a major debt of gratitude for her service to her country. I mean that very sincerely [or at least as sincerely as any other lie I’ve told]… it’s time for us to come together as one united people [united by the conviction that I am so incredible, so fantastic, so terrific, and with big hands, too].

I pledge to be president for all Americans, and this is so important tome [because without millions of Americans stupid enough to believe that I can bring back jobs while also keeping Wal-Mart prices low, Hillary would be president, not me]… Ours was not a campaign, but an incredible and great movement made up of millions of hard-working [lilywhite] men and women who love their country [and will now openly join the Ku Klux Klan] and want a better, brighter future for their families [with no Mexican rapists or African-American niggers anywhere]..

We will begin rebuilding our nation [after I firetrucked it up, calling the system rigged and threatening to refuse to accept even the election result, and it’s now a fantastic and beautiful system that isn’t rigged at all, because I won]. The forgotten men and women of our country will be forgotten no longer [The most endangered sub-species of sub-human, uneducated white men, will be remembered when they are next needed, which will be in the next presidential election; I will make sure all white working class American men get paid; except anybody who worked for me, of course, who will remain stiffed for all time; try suing the American president-elect, if you like, hahahaha]… We’re going to fix our inner cities and rebuild our infrastructure [which, one day, I will learn is pronounced, “infra-structure”, not “infer-structure”] and we will put millions of our people to work [in the brown-shirted squads the state will soon pay to search out and beat up and chuck out the Mexicans, blacks and gays]…

We have a great economic plan. We will double our growth and have the strongest economy anywhere in the world. [We have no firetrucking plan at all and will soon be in recession.] At the same time, we will get along with all other nations.. We’ll have great relationships…. [like the one I have with my daughter, Ivanka, with the great figure, who, if she weren’t my daughter, I’d perhaps be dating – oh, wait: those are actually his words.]

God bless you. [God firetrucking help you!]

BC Pires is in shock but not awe, unless you’re thinking, “Aw, firetruck Donald Drumpf and the jackasses he rode into the White House on”

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