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EVERYONE’s talking about ChatGPT, the artificial intelligence website where robots write plausible imitations of anything from college essays through movie screenplays to government policy documents by scanning the internet at super-speed and pulling together sentences from similar documents.

But, this week, I discovered a website, www.ChatBCTT.ogorm, which not only samples writing from the worldwide web but also samples the personality of the person using the site before writing answers in the style of the person asking. If this sounds too farfetched to be true, that’s because it is. As with the Letters from the Editor columns I dive into occasionally to escape real world Hell, I can certify these exchanges are 100 per cent accurate because I made them up myself.
TT PM Keith Rowley asks: If a gun-toting bandit attempts to rob you in your own home, what should you do?
ChatBCTT replies: Fuss ting, don’t jackass the thing, with dotish lie: it wasn’t a gun the fella had, was a Swiss Army knife and he didn’t have the blade-self open, just the thing for taking out stone from horse hoof! Second ting, don’t jackass the ting with prevarication, the home invasion was more like a home-somebody-get-lorse-and-wander een and, too besides, it happen 30 years ago, when you was bigger and badder than a teenager with a penknife trying to take stone out you hoof! Third ting, don’t jackaass the ting, jackass the firetrocking bandit! Who he feel he is to come rob me in my home where I does do home thing, like organise charter jet-and-boat to parties DDI and shine my golf clubs and head? I, too, am a victim of the crime I can’t do anything about, neither all the mooks I appoint as National Security minister. I do not live in an ivory firetrocking towers! I live on the streets of TT, on its beaches, in its forests and ex-specially in its cocktails parties and gulf courses. I knows about daggers, which is Tobagonian for cutlash. But criminal get upgrade now and uses AR-15 but not to worry, I ban them.
Elon Musk, billionaire quickly becoming a millionaire, asks: What can I do to turn Twitter back into a leading world platform?
ChatBCTT replies: Resign. But since you won’t do that, make wilder and more provocative statements until Twitter is pure conspiracy theory. Then take George Takei or Walter Koenig into space. But, if you really want people to stop talking about Twitter’s collapse and keep talking about something else, publish a photograph of you with your shirt off.
Donald “Fat Hitler” Trump asks: If you got a cut-ass in the last presidential election but wanted to win the next one to keep our fat arse out of prison, how would you approach it?
ChatBCTT replies: Now you really firetrucking asking answers. I would recommend going on CNN and spouting utter fantasist, white supremacist, Q-A-nonsense conspiracy theory bull-tata but not even you could get away with that and you have the best words, the best hair, the best idea things, the best type of woman (ie, much weaker than you) and you could become God, if you were stupid enough to accept the demotion.
Professor King Prophet Farley Augustine, leader of 13 people looking to keep controlling the Tobago House of Assembly and all the cash that delivers asks: What is a good name for a political party which was elected as the Progressive Democratic Patriots but lost the support of the party founder?
Chat BCTT replies: Best thing would be to call it the Progressing Democratic Patriots Including Watson Duke He-Self because even people who want to vote for Duke would vote for you. Next best name would be either (a) the Trinidad Mother Can’t Party or (b) the Firetruck Trinidad Party, all two of the both capture the most important essential essence of the biggest idea which are the foundation stone of Tobago politics. But politics, ex-specially Tobago politics, can abide anything but honesty. So you might have to call it what it really is: the Tobago Party. If you want to be a little pretentious, you could call it the Tobago People Party, if you want to be a lot pretentious, you could stick een an apostrophe and impress Tobago people by calling it the Tobago People’s Party. Much more better than the Farley Payday Parday.
That’s enough too-close-to-home parody.

BC Pires is a cunning linguist with Newsday

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