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Do You Seer-man What I Seer-man?

TO WRITE a startlingly original newspaper column, you’ve got to copy others unashamedly and, in 1999, I stole a great idea from the Miami Herald’s Robert Steinback who, every January, wrote a column making predictions for the coming year and assessing the accuracy of his predictions from the year before.

Robert’s seer-man-ing was serious, because he lived in what was the world’s leading liberal democracy until President Soprano tried to turn it into a criminal enterprise. But I live here. Some of my predictions, then, are meant to make you laugh, while others would make anyone with any sense weep, the eternal Trinidadian conundrum being distinguishing the comic from the tragic.
Since 2011, I have stunned readers with the accuracy of the previous year’s first prediction, as you will now see:
  • Lula will win the Brazilian election but Jair Soprano’s supporters will do a Brazilian copy of the US Capitol’s January 6 insurrection . Really impressive, until I admit that I just added it to the top of last year’s prediction list this morning, trusting that no one will remember it wasn’t in the prediction list last year.
  • The US Supreme Court will overrule Roe v Wade; Justice Amy Catholic Looney will boast she prayed over her decision and Jesus told her every sperm was sacred. Completely true, although only Jesus and Amy know for sure the second bit is.
  • Iran will develop a nuclear bomb and will try to attack Israel but one brave Israeli will prevent it. Partially correct Iran developed attack drones and gave them to Russia to wood Ukraine.
  • Mia Amor Mottley’s Barbados Labour Party will win Barbados’s general election, making this prediction the equivalent of a lottery scratch card. Correct.
  • PM Keith Rowley will call a snap election but will call it off when Progressive Democratic Patriots founder Watson Duke persuades the Tobago party Political Leader Farley Augustine to move to Trinidad. Wrong. Watson is clearly incapable of persuading Farley to do anything.
  • The Taliban, posing as the Republican Party, will take the Senate back in the US mid-term elections. Very glad to say completely wrong.
  • Fox News will report the Adam and Eve creation myth is true;, that Firetrucker Carlson will report as fact that God is white. Both true. And now part of House Speaker Kevin McCarthy’s official rule book, as amended by the crazy maggot fringe.
  • Trinidadian anti-vaxxers will demand champion covidiot Novaxx Standing Joke of Which be appointed TT president. Not true yet, but don’t underestimate local anti-vaxx/anti-Christine Kangaloo stupidity.
  • Emmanuel Macron will win the French presidential election, Jair Brain-So-Narrow will lose the Brazilian one. Both correct.
  • Bell-bottoms will come back in. Would have happened if British PM Rishi Sunak didn’t bring back bamcee-squeezer/ankle breezer pants as a style.
  • Media Moron President for Life Kevin Badly-Posing-as-Clever will write a letter to the editor explaining the Earth is flat. Probably happened. Who checks on Kev?

And here are my predictions for this year:
  • The government of Trinidad and Tobago will be exposed as history’s longest running Ponzi scheme.
  • Donald Fat Man Trump will be indicted over his attempt to overturn the Georgia election but he will think it really means Brad Raffensperger “found” the votes he needed.
  • West Indies will petition the International Cricket Council to create the first World Cup of T/20 Soft Ball Beach Cricket with a Bucket of Water for the Ball. We will win the first Cup and lose every other beach game afterwards.
  • The TT Court of Appeal will declare Watson Duke the leader of the Progressive Democratic Patriots entitled to all seats won in the THA but hold that the damage he suffered would be adequately compensated by buying him a sno-cone. And some water wings.
  • There will be a months-long general strike in the UK. The only people who will not support it will be the Vote Leave Fake Government.
  • The US Supreme Court will declare same gender unions and birth control unconstitutional and will create a new constitutional right for Christian bakers to refuse to make wedding cakes for bullers.
  • The Taliban and the Iranian theocracy will murder large numbers of their citizens in defence of the veil.
  • Trinidadian Trump supporters will beg Fat Hitler to visit Trinidad but he will tell them he doesn’t go to s-hole countries, making them love him even more .
  • Joe Biden’s health will prevent him from seeking reelection.
  • Wildfires, hurricanes and floods will increase in frequency and intensity and the media will persuade people around the world that Just Stop Oil and Extinction Rebellion should be locked up.
  • As people lose more and more rights, they will become take up more conspiracy theories.
  • A Trini will invent a time machine to make the party start again from the point where you began having the most fun.
  • I won’t be able to think of a better way of ending this column than I have for the last 22 years. How could I firetrucking know? I amaze me!
  • This column will end abrup

BC Pires is not a prophet of doom and gloom so much as one of kicks

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