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The Secret Diary of Donald J Trump, aged 70 ¾

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Thanks, My Ass, Mother-LaVar!

23rd November 2017. Thanksgiving Day. Kicked that short fat kid who’s always hanging around Melania in the ass hard this morning. He should fuck off out of the White House and go and play with his sister, What’s-her-name, the ugly one. Bad mood for days now. Took off the Tweet gloves with that Niger-descended African-American Mother-FaKar Father LaVar. Saying I didn’t get his loser lightweight drug-dealing shoplifting kid out of Gina jail. Called him poor man’s version of Don King read more

Every Day is V-Day When Vlad Telephones

21st November 2017. Who knew Niger, that country in Africa, was spelled with one ‘g’? Go figger; or, I guess, “Go figer”. I thought it was too good to be true, to have a country called Nigger that we could have said they came from. Sigh. Many people are saying being able to call them that would have opened up the debate in the way many fine people would have liked. Instead of how politically correct and closed it is now, with them “taking a knee” during the great American read more

Thank God It’s Friday

TGIF - Delayed

Thank God it's Friday's column will be delayed by one day now it is being published in the Newsday. Check your Newsday paper or online today for BC's column Thank God It's FridayTomorrow you will find TGIF on bcpires.com and all subscribers will received their emailed copy.In case you firetrucking care! read more...

Leap of Faith

HE CAME to us in an unusual way, via 15 years of imprisonment, near-starvation and physical abuse, and 45 minutes on my wife’s bicycle, her right hand holding the handlebars, her left cradling his head, with his emaciated body stretching along her forearm to her elbow. A longhaired, short-breed dog with fur that had once been white but was now the colour of the mud in the canefields, through which he’d dragged himself, and the six-foot-long, heavy iron chain attached to the tight, rough rope around his neck for days, if not weeks, after his escape. He could barely take the two or three steps forward into the small country lane along which my wife was cycling that allowed her to notice him. He really didn’t need the extra misfortune but he was already nearly-blind in his left eye; most of it looked like a marble. She was able to make the difficult, read more...

BC on TV

A Trifecta of What’s Best on the Box for 19 November 2017

The top pick and the top “Also Ran” today probably both deserve the title of BEST FILM OF THE DAY. Today’s Number One Film: The Omen, 8.10am, Fox Classics. Watch this if you liked The Exorcist, The Shining or Rosemary’s Baby. The less said about the plot, the more the viewer will enjoy this creepy horror using Biblical prophecies about the rise of the Anti-Christ as its base and huge atmosphere all the way to its summit. Immaculate pacing keeps the viewer on the edge throughout a series of unsettling events and memorably chilling images, with the very last frame being a contender for the best ever shot in all cinema. Horror movies rarely get better than this, particularly in the “supernatural” sub-genre. Unless you believe in Heaven and Hell and the Devil and all the other horse manure, Read more...

Firetruckery of the Day

Char Siu Shaitanic

The Sunday Guardian’s lead story is about Trinidadian jihadist – I’m betting there are none from Tobago – returnees from the Shaitanic State’s war in Syria/Iraq. The current Minister of National Security doesn’t quite deny the 400 number Opposition MP Roodal Moonilal and other Trinis have been gossiping about for nearly two years, but has “authenticated” a list of 100 who have “travelled to Syria”. (Notably, the words, “and returned to Trinidad” do not appear.)

Clearly, anyone motivated, and dotish, enough to fly halfway around the world to kill on behalf of the Shaitanic State, is a serious threat to Trinidad; we could easily have another attempt, more fully-baked this time, to set up a local caliphate.

But all this current jhanjhat and ratiray stem from an internal mistake during the 1990 coup. My pardner Morris had a solution that would have defused the whole thing: after three days, and with the jihadists’ bellies grumbling, all we needed to do was send in boxes of Chinese lunch specials: char sui kai fan – barbecued pork meals – in they nennen! Them rebels, said Morris, were Trinis first and jihadists second. The caliphate would have collapsed at the first lunch.

And we wouldn’t be dealing with the firetruckeries that we are today.

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Trini to d Bone

The Arima Kid - Pt II

You were doing something serious and important?But of course!Yet it was trivialized?[Interrupting] Everybody, everybody, everybody!Was that not painful?Very painful. Even my closest connections, some of my immediate family and other people would say, “Listen, man, why you don’t do something serious?” But it give opportunity! I remember we went to Cedros and there was a man with a funny face. They called him “Ugly”. He was making faces at me from the audience. People were saying, “Move from here!” But I put him on [camera] and asked him, “How you going?” And he made his funny face. He got a job just from that, what we called DEWD or Public Works. He became a personality, more than a clown. He became “Mr Ugly” instead of just “Ugly”. So it Read more...

BC Pires

is a barrister by qualification (class of 1984) but, for the last 28 years, has done nothing but write to earn a living. His flagship column, Thank God It’s Friday, has appeared in either the Trinidad Guardian or the Trinidad Express since Ash Friday, 1988. He has written about film from an informed lay perspective for the same period and is as close as the cricket-playing West Indies gets to a film critic (though he refuses that label). He has written for many publications, including the London Sunday Observer and the London & Manchester Guardian. Since 2010, his personality-based feature, “Trini/’Bago to D Bone” has been appearing in the Trinidad Guardian. Since 2002, he has been the editor of Cré Olé, the Trinidad & Tobago annual restaurant guide.
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