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The Secret Diary of Donald J Trump, aged 70 ¾

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Thanks, My Ass, Mother-LaVar!

23rd November 2017. Thanksgiving Day. Kicked that short fat kid who’s always hanging around Melania in the ass hard this morning. He should fuck off out of the White House and go and play with his sister, What’s-her-name, the ugly one. Bad mood for days now. Took off the Tweet gloves with that Niger-descended African-American Mother-FaKar Father LaVar. Saying I didn’t get his loser lightweight drug-dealing shoplifting kid out of Gina jail. Called him poor man’s version of Don King read more

Every Day is V-Day When Vlad Telephones

21st November 2017. Who knew Niger, that country in Africa, was spelled with one ‘g’? Go figger; or, I guess, “Go figer”. I thought it was too good to be true, to have a country called Nigger that we could have said they came from. Sigh. Many people are saying being able to call them that would have opened up the debate in the way many fine people would have liked. Instead of how politically correct and closed it is now, with them “taking a knee” during the great American read more

Thank God It’s Friday

Leap of Faith

HE CAME to us in an unusual way, via 15 years of imprisonment, near-starvation and physical abuse, and 45 minutes on my wife’s bicycle, her right hand holding the handlebars, her left cradling his head, with his emaciated body stretching along her forearm to her elbow. A longhaired, short-breed dog with fur that had once been white but was now the colour of the mud in the canefields, through which he’d dragged himself, and the six-foot-long, heavy iron chain attached to the tight, rough rope around his neck for days, if not weeks, after his escape. He could barely take the two or three steps forward into the small country lane along which my wife was cycling that allowed her to notice him. He really didn’t need the extra misfortune but he was already nearly-blind in his left eye; most of it looked like a marble. She was able to make the difficult, read more...

​Nobody else but me

EVEN FOR people like me, who’d happily pay to do their jobs, the weight of existence itself can get a body down. Days like those, I wonder if I’d be happier if I were someone else. Here is the list I considered on Wednesday, when I couldn’t bear to think about the rough beast with the fat body and the head of a dunce, whose hour had come round at last one year before, when it slouched towards Washington to be born. Theresa MayAdvantages:Can make Parliamentary majorities disappear with the snap of an election. Can run through wheat fields if no one in authority is looking.Very likely to get an early retirement.Slightly better haircut than Angela Merkel. Disadvantages:Brexit.Having to appease my Irish Catholic fundamentalist governmental partners. A worse haircut than I have now.Having to take read more...

BC on TV

A Trifecta of What’s Best on the Box for 19 November 2017

The top pick and the top “Also Ran” today probably both deserve the title of BEST FILM OF THE DAY. Today’s Number One Film: The Omen, 8.10am, Fox Classics. Watch this if you liked The Exorcist, The Shining or Rosemary’s Baby. The less said about the plot, the more the viewer will enjoy this creepy horror using Biblical prophecies about the rise of the Anti-Christ as its base and huge atmosphere all the way to its summit. Immaculate pacing keeps the viewer on the edge throughout a series of unsettling events and memorably chilling images, with the very last frame being a contender for the best ever shot in all cinema. Horror movies rarely get better than this, particularly in the “supernatural” sub-genre. Unless you believe in Heaven and Hell and the Devil and all the other horse manure, Read more...

Firetruckery of the Day

​For the Gemini in All Our Bellies

The greatest modern challenge – and it’s really unique to our age – is to separate the ludicrous from the genius. We have to overcome the challenge everywhere from the Cabinet through the campuses to the catwalk: are we supposed to admire or sneer at those policies, courses or fashions? But, extreme sushi notwithstanding the contradiction of our age hasn’t so far been literally served up on a plate in front of us. What do we make of the “hamdog”, apart from a meal – or two? Successfully patented by Mark Murray, an Australian entrepreneur/joker-who-got-taken-seriously, the hamdog is doing well in Western Australia, whose most famous son until now was Heath Ledger. The bit that allowed the patent, I’m guessing, is the bun, which is handmade and designed to accommodate both the hot dog sausage and the burger patty; from above, it looks like two Starship Enterprises had such great sex, they shook off their tailfins. At last, a meal for the junk food addict who just can’t make up his mind; wait for the hamdogandfries the old Mark is surely cooking up at the back of his mind.

Firetruckery thanks to Ira from a Brooklyn more famous for its hot than its hamdogs.

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Trini to d Bone

The Arima Kid - Pt II

You were doing something serious and important?But of course!Yet it was trivialized?[Interrupting] Everybody, everybody, everybody!Was that not painful?Very painful. Even my closest connections, some of my immediate family and other people would say, “Listen, man, why you don’t do something serious?” But it give opportunity! I remember we went to Cedros and there was a man with a funny face. They called him “Ugly”. He was making faces at me from the audience. People were saying, “Move from here!” But I put him on [camera] and asked him, “How you going?” And he made his funny face. He got a job just from that, what we called DEWD or Public Works. He became a personality, more than a clown. He became “Mr Ugly” instead of just “Ugly”. So it Read more...

BC Pires

is a barrister by qualification (class of 1984) but, for the last 28 years, has done nothing but write to earn a living. His flagship column, Thank God It’s Friday, has appeared in either the Trinidad Guardian or the Trinidad Express since Ash Friday, 1988. He has written about film from an informed lay perspective for the same period and is as close as the cricket-playing West Indies gets to a film critic (though he refuses that label). He has written for many publications, including the London Sunday Observer and the London & Manchester Guardian. Since 2010, his personality-based feature, “Trini/’Bago to D Bone” has been appearing in the Trinidad Guardian. Since 2002, he has been the editor of Cré Olé, the Trinidad & Tobago annual restaurant guide.
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